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/wrestling /Special Feature /Year in Quotes |
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/wrestling /Special Feature /Year in Quotes |
| Special Feature | Year in Quotes |
MainBLAH |
1999 - PLAY THAT PRINCE SONG ONE MORE TIME Man, I'm TIRED. Let's get this thing started! Dedication: to Mike and Rick, one more time. (I DID switch their places this year, though - can't have Mike jealous that Rick's ALWAYS mentioned first!) If you're new to "the CRZ Experience," a long-time reader yearning for the chance to relive some golden (ha) moments, or you continually ask yourself "why the HELL do I keep reading this guy's work?" then perhaps this document (however many parts it ends up cut into) will be to your liking. What follows are the "highlights" from 128 reports about - and something like 316 1/2 hours spent watching - wrestling as we know it, or rather knew it, back in 1999. I could NEVER have done this on my own. Thanks to the following people for scouring through my words to choose what made them sit up and notice: (in no particular order) Octavian, Sean McDonald (aka Horsemen4ever), Bryan Mayer, Buff McKenzie, KIM!, David Deuyour, Jason Bucy, Michael Stakely, Ryan "The Perpetrator" Perperas, Dartmouth Dan Doomsday, Jon Michael, Max Chittister, Matt the Rat, Jim Viall, Craig Letawsky, Joshua Free, The MYSTERIOUS Rob L., Casey Cook, Tom (who has a girlfriend), and Justin Koury. If I missed your name, PLEASE harangue me about it - I think I got everybody but who can say. After a while everything turns blurry. Thanks also (grudgingly) to the folks at WrestleLine, past and present, for putting up with "CRZ being CRZ" - special specific notice to Shawn and Heather, my producers for the bulk of '99, and to Kevin, who runs the site (I think - last time I checked, anyway). Last but MOST CERTAINLY NOT least, my *extra special* thanks to YOU for continuing to support me by WALKING! Err, READING! See you in a year, if not sooner...let's get it on! WWF
Clips from last week - Vince fires Commissioner Michaels. Career retrospective has fun Rockers clips - lookit that bleached hair! Lookit him grow up before our eyes! Lookit him destroy lots of people no longer in the WWF!
D-GENERATION X standing with Michaels? I thought they didn't like each other anymore. Lawler: "I just don't get it!" CRZ: "Yeah!"
Nothing like a big ol' DQ to make a match interesting.
Goldust's music plays and he walks off while Chyna & Friend enter the ring. It's Cloudy, isn't it. Isn't it.
Let's Take You Back to two weeks ago as Mankind takes it to Shane, then
applies Mr. Jocko to Patterson (ugh). "I swear it was the first time I'd
ever grabbed a man's testicles in my life. Patterson I gotta tell ya, in a
rugged, manly kinda way, I enjoyed it." Humm.
Dennis Knight is hanging from the ceiling in chains. Was this trip really
necessary?
At the top of the ramp, the ROCK comes out to express his disapproval. Rock
is SO mad he repeatedly forgets to say "the Rock," and instead uses the
verboten word "I" when referring to himself.
Vince has a real Achilles heel in that lad, you know. Vince IS a real Achilles heel, har har.
EDGE (you think you know him) v. WHO IS THAT GUY? HE LOOKS SO FAMILIAR.
WHO - OH, IT'S D'LO BROWN. I DIDN'T RECOGNISE HIM - Let Us Take You Back as D'Lo has problems with PMS (read it again).
Patterson is set up "no no Kane, not my nuts" - he really said it.
Whip, reverse, thank GOD, I thought those beer kegs were just gonna STAND there.
Austin's day is gonna come - smack will be laid down and all that.
This wrestling match is keeping me from watching INTERVIEWS!
Backstage, we see several policeman flanking a locker room door with "GILLBERG" on it. Oh no, they're not gonna...
Golotta - and Gill cries like a little girl.
Oh my God, is that woman *Cheryl Roberts*? Oh, no, it's just Shamrock's sister. His WHA? Well. I wonder if she knows Taka's sister.
Hmm, *THIS* hour is rated TV-14. Somebody bleeds tonight! Or gets naked.
You know, when Edge smiles, I get uneasy.
I have a new RAW rule - if a Gregorian chant comes over the PA, something
that sucks is about to happen.
My friends, *Hell* is watching THIS crap take place before my eyes.
I should note that Paul has been brandishing a dagger in a Freudian manner.
Undertaker walks over to Knight and starts chanting as if he were about to
embalm him ... oh, SHIT, he's slitting his wrist. I do not want to see this.
There's lotsa - blood? which drips into a Gangrel-lookin' goblet. "Bullshit"
chant from crowd, that's right. "From this moment on, you are no longer
Dennis Knight - you are Minion! Now drink."
THIS WAS THE MOST FUCKING STUPID THING EVER. I don't care how much it costs, but drop this NOW. This is the kind of SHIT that makes columnists QUIT.
Cole and Lawler tell us they've never seen anything like this before. Fucking lamers, speak up and tell us thais was the STUPIDEST thing ever PUT on RAW. Come ON.
You can talk about drawing all the lines you want, but the only line *I* care
about is the one that delinates Shit I'll Watch from Shit I Won't Watch. I
won't watch that shit. Well, I HAVE to watch it, so I'll watch it. But you
won't enjoy what I say about it if YOU happen to like it. Got a problem with
that? You know everybody's email address.
Backstage, we see Chyna fetching Henry a drink while Sammy takes care of
him. Oh, yeah, Sammy's a man. Oops. RANDOM RANT: A lot of people are under the mistaken impression that I am some sort of journalist. I am not. I ceased to be a journalist when my high school journalism teacher decided that I wasn't liberal enough to have a future in journalism (well, I didn't know it at the time, but looking back, I can see what a bleedin' heart he was and what a Libertarian I was and retroactively put 2 and 2 together). So, even though I'm acquainted with the whole doctrine, I don't simply report, because it would bore me. It would probably bore you too (no, I mean even MORE than it normally does). I am *biased*. I go out of my way to show you my ugly biases EVERY WEEK. STOP bitching about it. I don't mind if you disagree with me, but you have to use a SMIDGEN of intelligence to explain your side to me - you are practically a complete stranger to me, why the FUCK would you insult me out of the blue? I don't insult YOU. So...well, I didn't have a point really, but STOP asking me to quit. I ain't quitting, Rick and Mike don't want me to quit (I think), and there are a hell of a lot more readers out there that LIKE what I'm doing than not. You don't believe me, YOU go take a poll - *I* don't have to. You get this crap every week for FREE (less the microsecond it takes to glance at an incredibly annoying ad banner at the top), you don't have any right to complain, and if it's THAT bad, go find another report to read, or don't miss the shows, or just be patient and wait until the shows come on in your country, but don't bitch to ME because you don't like my style. Have a raspberry. Thbbbbbbbbbbpht.
Whew, I feel better now. Nothing like a page of self-indulgent crap to get things going!
I love you all, you know that.
"Today, here in the United States, we celebrate the life of an
extraordinary man who had a dream - a dream of unity, a dream of peace -
long live the dream." Shot of Martin Luther King Jr. Damn, Vince, that was
classy. What'd *WCW* do for MLK Day? NUTHIN'. Hey Bob Ryder, why don't you
talk about THAT on your crappy website?
Test comes to the ring wearing a "Guns don't kill people - *I* kill people" tank top - must be a Pillman tribute.
Backstage, we see the trainer trying to help Gunn and Gunn weeping like a woman - err, crying like a little girl - err...okay, I'm sexist I guess.
Is this an ad for an ad? Oh, no - it actually looks like an ad for the
WWF's "Halftime Heat" - something to take place during the halftime show at
the Super Bowl, on USA. Well, that's actually a pretty good idea. I wonder
if WCW will scrape something together at the last minute. Maybe Bob Ryder
will give us the lowdown.
Hey Bob Ryder, if the WWF is playing to the kids, what the HELL is an ad
for colouring your grey beard and moustache hair doing on RAW?
Allow me to be the (probably) last Web columnist on Earth to officially proclaim Bob Ryder dumber than a box of rocks. Hey Scherer, if it's not
too late to get the Lariat out of his hands, I'd do it quickly. His wagon
is not the one to be hitching your star on.
"Halftime Heat" promo. Is this like the RAW Bowl?
"I need HEAD! GIVE ME HEAD!" he says to Theodore Long, who must miss carting Ice Train around in matches against Scott Norton.
Chyna goes behind and there's an atomic drop. Brisco sells it like a hot poker up his ass.
Oh Lord, let's not have Patterson's testicles involved in any way.
Patterson comes to and realises his dream as he sees Brisco on top of him.
Or something. Anybody else worried that there'll be a Patterson/Brisco
match during WrestleMania XV? I'm warning you, WWF, I love you like my
older female cousin but don't test me.
If you think my reports aren't long ENOUGH, I encourage you to click on the Evil Satanic Ad Banner from Hell and visit whatever two-bit, fly-by-night operation has stupidly bought advertising space on this site. (Views expressed by this columnist are not necessarily those of and so on)
I think that says it all - hey Undertaker, I got two words for ya - "NIFTY ROBE!"
This, of course, leads to STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN appearing on the TitanTron "via satellite - San Antonio, TX" - hey, Wheel of Fortune booking! Who ELSE is in San Antonio?
"I'm healing damn well, aren't I? Stone Cold - mi casa, su casa." There's a
plug for MIKE! THEY READ MICASA! Austin and Michaels are both drinking Silver
Bullets ("I appear via satellite on live television and you give me LIGHT
beer?")
Okay, Austin needs to stop grinning, and Vince needs to stop gulping like a ham. I probably need to stop bitching, too, but screw that.
Wow, TWO minutes of wrestling in the first half hour! Now that's sports ENTERTAINMENT!
Cole falls over himself to say "I KNEW IT KING I KNEW IT! MICK FOLEY NEVER SAID 'I QUIT!'" Umm, Cole, you *never* said you thought that ONCE until now. Loser.
Hey, where's them Legion of Doom guys I've heard so much about? Where's Paul Ellering for that matter? Where's Rocko? Oh, never mind about that last one...hmm, Rocko, Socko...you ever notice...oh, never mind.
Hey, aren't both teams heels here? I guess the tits factor SHOULD make Hart & Jarrett de facto faces, ja?
Coming up - Val Venis' new flick. Err, that was an unfortunate choice of words.
I hope to GOD this is selling MILLIONS of comic books 'cause it ain't getting any money out of ME.
NOW can I call her a slut? After all, you can't spell SELLOUT without
them four letters!
And from Bob Morris, something to make us ALL think: I noticed something
about the Ministry of Darkness...isn't it amazing how you can compare them
to Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids? Observe...
Mabel = Fat Albert (duh)
Bradshaw = Weird Harold (tall and skinny)
Faarooq = Mush Mouth (can you understand what he says?)
Minion = Dumb Arnold (because he is dumb for doing that skit a few weeks
back}
Paul Bearer = Russell (the short, pudgy member...at least I think that was
his name)
Undertaker = Rudy (the guy who always gets the rest of the gang into all
the stupid stuff we see)
You decide whether the parallels fit or not. Take care.
DISCLAIMER: I'm sick. I WANT to do a good job, but I keep falling
unconscious and stuff.
On the way out, Bossman stops to call the PMS, who HAPPEN to be passing by,
(beep)es. This is the same guy that slobbers all over Debra, mind you.
Now Chyna is playing Mommy, apparently, embracing Shane and making him feel
all better (which she could probably do REAL well, huh huh huh).
Mankind still has the Rock's money - he asks to rent Max Mini. Who's he
asking, the slavemaster? That's racist! Anyway, $487 will get you Max Mini
for three days. Direct all inquiries to Titan Towers.
Via mini-sat from Victoria, Patterson hits on a random Tejan. What's unusual
is that the Tejan in question is female. "You look purtier than a spotted
puppy!" She knees him in the groin, so we've had our brush with Patterson's
testicles for the night (hopefully).
Fairly entertaining match sees the Ministry all over the Brood until the tide
is turned, whereupon the ACOLYTES hit the ring (DQ 2:12) to make sure nothing
resembling wrestling breaks out.
Backstage, Mankind has something for Debra's boobs - a nice sweater. He's
afraid she catch a chest cold, see, and...aw fuck it.
If the words "action adventure" are used by the commentators in a match, it
just might suck.
Final thought (that would have been expanded in great detail had I not
been flu-stricken): Let's say Vince McMahon plans to win over two "action
adventure" fans for every one "wrestling" fan he loses. Sure, it SOUNDS
good in the short term, but in the long term, when you realise that that
one wrestling fan might be ME....and that the short term might be shorter
than any of us thinks... KEEP THE SIGNS AND LETTERS COMING: My newest nominee for Coolest Person on Earth Ever has to be Scott MacArthur, who spent a good portion of camera time at the beginning of last week's RAW in his front row seat on a damn fine "CRZ is GOD" sign - I mean, you could NOT miss it (and I know Scott Keith was trying DAMN hard to) so, I mean, DAMN, is that cool or what? So, to sum it up:
CRZ signs seen in Canada - 1 or 2
CANADA'S THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD, BABY! (Pays du Canada le plus grand au monde, bébé!)
Hey, was last night's show NOT an In Your House and no one told me? It was
damn good, and I'm as shocked as you are. It's ALMOST enough to make one
forgive the Royal Rumble....welll.....maybe not.
Still shots from last night's pay-per-view spectacular show BRUTAL action
from the Rock/Mankind Last Man Standing match, in which the last man standing
-- was-- nobody.
Mr. McMahon: "I stand...I stand before you...I stand before you tonight a broken man. I
stand before you tonight...a humble...a humble man. Austin... What do you
want, Blood? Austin, you put twelve stitches in my head...you threw me off
the top of a cage...but I...I want to be a better man. I wanna start all
over. I... I wanna bury the hatchet. I just wanna bury the hatchet. I want
a fresh start. I... I'm just asking you... What's the matter with you
people?"
Mankind: "Hey Vince, even by my standards I feel pretty crappy tonight."
WrestleMania is only *6* weeks away! (Or, if you're Rick Scaia, 5 weeks
and six days)
X-Pac says
he'll be happy to put the title on the line, then put his foot in Shane's
(mute). So tonight, Shane & Kane will take on the two DX'ers and, one would presume,
if X-Pac gets pinned there'll be a new European Champeen - let's hope it
isn't Shane - that would most surely (mute) with th(mute) of (mute)a stick.
Ryan Shamrock & Val Venis neck in the back. Then he probably (mute). Hey, I
could get used to this joke. Reminds me of some other columnist for some
reason...
"We? WE did this? Honey, the last time I checked, this belt only went around
ONE waist - what I'm trying to say is this baby - it's been real, in fact,
it's been good, but it hasn't been real good. Kick it to the curb
sweetheart, because the big Valbowski is on a rocket to the top and there
ain't no more room on this ride for you."
This just in: Gillberg to face Shane for the title of "Who
can piss off workrate freaks the most by holding a belt?" Having said ALL
that, though, I liked this story. It sure beats Austin holding Vince
hostage and Undertaker going for embalming people alive. You know why?
That's right, it took place in a ring and there was "wrestling" involved.
So read into THAT mixed message, baby! I'm CRZ!
BOB HOLLY v. THE VASTLY UNDERRATED STEVE BLACKMAN
KEVIN KELLY brings out SABLE'S BREASTS, who don't even BOTHER to bring out
the Womens' Title.
Hey, I smell a heel turn! Is art imitating life again? (And what does Art
think of all this?)
The Rock: "You can have your chants of Rocky Sucks, but the fact of the matter is this
- is that tonight in front of thousands and thousands of Rock's fans, and the
millions - and millions of the Rock's fans watching live, the Rock will
proceed to climb that ladder rung by damn rung by damn rung, reach up, and
snatch the Rock's WWF title. So Mankind, the Rock has said it before, he'll
say it again, if your fat cellulite ass is feeling salty, then the Rock will be your
tequila, so what the Rock wants you to do is sprinkle some salt on your hand,
take a lick, and take a shot of the Rock, but don't get drunk, or else you'll
wake up with the Rock's foot in your ass and his fist in your mouth if ya
SMEEEEELLLL--what the Rock--is cookin'!!!"
Rock: "Make jokes - the Rock's ass!" then he calls Wight a 500 pound bag of
monkey crap. The Rock is like a living Mad-Lib, you know.
Rock says a lot of stuff and I swear the crowd knows about every third word
he's gonna say and chants along. Did the WWF become the Rocky Horror Picture
Show when I wasn't looking?
Jerry Lawler: "I gotta apologise for Michael Cole, all he can think about is wrestling!"
I LOVE punches.
Hey you know when Luna isn't trying to hard to growl in a gravely fashion,
she ALMOST has a Jennifer Tilly-esque quality about her...wait, did I think
that or say it?
Screw that, I'll take Blackman ANY day! Yeah! Steve Blackman RULES! I
guess I
should have called em "nunchuks" like Cole. Oh well.
If they show ONE more anti-smoking ad, I'm gonna start smoking, I swear.
They're making it look so COOL.
(As a joke, I split my report into eleven pieces one week.) Joel Geraghty sums it up: Why are they slicing up your reports on
Wrestlemaniacs.com? I hate this, now I have to stay online to read the whole
thing, thusly tying up my phone line. There's probably some really hot chick
trying to call me but NOOOOOOO I HAVE TO STAY ONLINE TO READ CRZ'S WHOLE
REPORT. ASDFNSAG. Sometimes I think people send me mail solely to get it printed at the top of this column. Look at this one: Chris, .Your little sophmoric remarks about wcw make you look (and sound) like an idiot. news flash, wrestling is fake so dont act like a retard when the announcers pretend they dont know something, really dude, its fake it will be alright. Just to let you know I think your litle 2 bit column is for children, although the profanity really adds alot to it, can you say moron?
I'm BUSH LEAGUE, BABY! And that's the way I like it! Corporate
journalism is for SUCKERS! Keep me independent until I DIE! Oh, and if
you HATE this column...THANKS for coming back to read it ONE MORE WEEK!
Hey, how come Shawn Michaels ALWAYS wins? I'm so glad there isn't anybody
like that headlining the WWF THESE days...er....wait a minute...
Hey, there's the Mankind Chef Boyardee ad. "BEEFY!" That's pretty funny! I
hope I see it a MILLION times!
"Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back to RAW is WAR good ol' J.R., JIM
ROSS!" You can tell he's been working hard on the voice - only the b's are
giving him problems, which is too bad because he has to say "Butterbean,"
"BrawlFORall," and "BART GUNN" before too long.
Remember a guy by the name of Dr. Death Steve Williams? The guy that you
told everybody was my BOY? J.R.'s BOY? You told everybody that you
humiliated J.R. You embarrassed J.R. In twenty damn years in the business,
Bart, twenty years in the business, you tried to take away from me with your
ridicule - listen - LOOK AT ME IN THE FACE WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU
I guess the Ross heel turn is back on, two years later. Wow.
Owen reminds us he's not a nugget, by way of encouraging a "Nuh-git" chant.
Do you ever get the feeling that Ivory would just crumble to dust if she
were somehow separated from that scarf?
Bell time is 1730 and I'm always willing to be comped, in return for which I
offer to sing the national anthem. (In the WWF, that's like saying "please
send Kane out to chokeslam me halfway through.")
That's it, I'm starting smoking RIGHT NOW. I HAAAAAATE that ad. It'll be
MY way of sticking it to the Man! Of course, if Philip Morris PAYS for
the ad, am I really just playing right into their hands? Oh, my head
hurts. Maybe I'll just have some caffeine instead.
"Go to rehab, and when you come out we'll have your own T-shirt made for
you!" Well, maybe that's not EXACTLY what they said. Actually, they only
said James was out with "an injury," so that's the story.
Oops, Terry Taylor said the verboten words "Hunter Hearst Helmsley!" He's
fined! That man's name is TRIPLE H, God DAMN it!
Rock does his Bischoff impression by mouthing along what Grunge is saying.
while Terri takes a headset to remind us that you shouldn't screw with PMS
'cause it's all messy - err, I think I took some liberties with that
statement
PAUL (fight for your) WIGHT makes his way to the ring.
Mankind asks Austin to lay down for him so he can become the special guest
referee. Austin says he doesn't CARE who the special guest referee(s) are
and no way. Mankind says if he changes his mind, to just give him a little
signal.
WHAT'S HIS NAME - YOU KNOW, THAT GUY - I CAN'T REMEMBER WHO IT IS RIGHT NOW,
BUT HE SURE LOOKS FAMILIAR - I'M FEELING DEJA VU HERE - OH WAIT, THAT'S D'LO
BROWN! v. OWEN HART
Hart does a nasty blade job to boot, just to give a little "fuck you" to
WCW, probably.
Undertaker sends the Ministry out to find Bossman. Acolytes go one way,
Viscera & Mideon another, Brood a third, Velma off with Shaggy and Scooby,
and Fred gets Daphne. Fred ALWAYS gets Daphne.
Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Beef Ravioli ad features Mankind and still makes
me laugh. BEEFY!
RAW is WAR is brought to you by Napa auto parts - car parts for the 2-14
crowd, Propecia (to fight male pattern baldness in the 2-14 crowd) and
Castrol motor oil, for cars driven by the 2-14 crowd!
Hardcore Holly - I thought that was a porn star - anyway, he's got new music
and a new first name.
Whoa, Wight took his shirt off and he didn't look (as) fat!
"Who was the guy who worked overtime - we looked at tapes and we got you all
ready to go to do your work on television, who did that?" "You, did JR..."
"Absolutely. And what thanks did I get for it, Michael? You've got the
little mousse on your hair, and your little narrow ass - you're a pretty boy
you went to the executive producer, you went to everybody and said 'well,
you know ol' JR is never gonna be back - look at his face! Hell, old JR
would scare small children and animals
"Well, I'll tell you what McMahon has screwed me on many occasions and
you're just gonna do what he says - what, Red Rooster gonna get a little
cocky? You gonna peck me to death? ... The Red Rooster is gonna replace Jim
Ross doing play-by-play, that's the most ridiculous thing that I've ever
heard."
This is probably pretty poor taste but while I was watching Ross I kept
thinking about that one guy on the Trinity Broadcasting Network - you know
the one if you've seen him before, yeah. They kinda look...no, never mind.
Sorry. Don't you be laughing! Shame on you!
GODFATHER (with four - no, two - ho's) v. THE GREATEST SPORTS ENTERTAINER ON
THE PLANET, STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) - isn't this considered a
face on face matchup? Who do you root for? Blackman, of course!
Blackman studies the fine female forms 'fore him. Blackman, who is as smart
as he is athletic, says he wants both of 'em. "Well, listen up Super Stud,
if you want 'em both, ya got both of 'em for the whole night!" I think this
is the biggest ovation Blackman ever received -
Hey, guess what? Remember how that embalming and that whole "cuttin' up
people and drinkin' blood" shit was stinking up RAW? Do you notice how this
week they managed to do NONE of that? Do you notice that the whole Ministry
angle is about kicking ass now?
Hey, guess what? Remember how that embalming and that whole "cuttin' up
people and drinkin' blood" shit was stinking up RAW? Do you notice how
this week they managed to do NONE of that? Do you notice that the whole
Ministry angle is about kicking ass now? Well, I do. 'cause I kinda like
all this now. Three or four good ass-kickings can cancel out one teddy
bear on fire in the long run. Quote me!
I GET LETTERS: Nigel Kay knows what time it is:
During one of Owen's matches, the Blue Blazer ran-in, beat up Owen, he took
off his mask and lo and behold it was Blackman who suddenly gave this bright
smile to the crowd. It that one moment, I saw a man who previously would
only wear a mask of stern fury and frowning despair, suddenly find brief
solace in this bleak world of sports entertainment, getting the upper hand
over the heel, if only for a brief instant. It was then and there that I
knew Steve Blackman's courage was only eclipsed by the warmth of his heart.
Yes, all was right with the world. It made me feel fuzzy all over.
Rock reminds the crowd that this isn't "sing along with the Champ" which is
still funny.
Mr. McMahone: "I think maybe this 'Rock' stuff has gone to your head. What you need is a
reality check, DWAYNE. After all I've done for you, this is what I get back?"
Lawler duly makes fun of the fact that "IC Champ of the World" makes no
sense despite the fact that the crowd can chant along with it.
The Krispy M&M's slam of the week is Dr. Death DEMOLISHING a JR-imitatin'
fan
JR removes the wraps - it IS a third commentary table - but instead of the
WWF logo, it's a "JR" logo. "JR is RAW" is on the side of the table. The
crowd cheers. As my Mini Page might say, that's Mighty Funny!
Vince tells Shane that the cops won't go because they're CONVINCED it's a
publicity stunt - after all, they're watching it on TV! I love this.
Cole: "I have a big cowboy hat in my face and I can't see a damn thing--"
Ross: "You're gonna have a cowboy boot in your ass if you d on't shut up."
Mean streets of Greenwich promo. The enigmatic Willie Green is finally seen
speaking - although he's shrouded in shadows unlike Rodney and (not seen
this week) Pete Gas. Anybody smell a debut for Willie Green as a wrestler
down the road?
We pull back on the shot of Vince's home to see a flaming Undertaker symbol
on the lawn. Wow, it's a good thing that ISN'T a cross!
I wonder if those cops are still watching TV...
Kane removes his mask - holy shit - it's THE UNDERTAKER! I didn't see THAT
coming. Undertaker grabs McMahon and the lights go out. "It's just that
simple - anytime, anywhere."
AFTER THE FACT: I have been told that Dave Tobener's "CRZ RULES" sign DID
make it on camera tonight. I'm too tired to go back and look for it, but
thanks VERY much, Dave. You're the wind beneath my wings, or something.
Ha! Also, a big thank you to Wendy Wyatt and her sister for reprazentin'
(as my "homeyz" would say) the CRZ posse at Heat last night, even if I
didn't see THAT sign either - I know SOMEBODY did if it was there. I take
back everything I ever said about Bakersfield, even if most of it IS true. I GET LETTERS: I've never e-mailed you before, so this is a first. Last night while I was working out in the gym, Ahmed Johnson was working out. Harlem Heat work out at the gym down the street when in town. By the way, I'm from Houston. Anyway, back to my story. He is very out of shape. His arms are huge. However, his waist is more huge. Damn, he has an enormous gut. He's just plain fat. He doesn't exactly look he used to. Anyway, my story has no real point besides telling you that Ahmed Johnson, Tony something or other, is really fat.
Later, THIS is the hard hitting news that the fans DEMAND! Thanks, Steve!
This just in: Tony Norris is really fat. HA! Scooped Mike for once!
YUH GUHN DUHN! YUH GUHN DUHN! C'mon, everybody chant with me! YUH GUHN
DUHN!
Clip of Steve Austin - WALKING! outside the building - he walks by a Coors
Light truck (I walk all the way to the arena and you give me LIGHT beer?)
Rock gives a "smellllllll what the Rock is cooking," adding a little tongue
waggle action to his "L."
Before too long, I hear glass - and Stone Cold is DRIVING THE SILVER BULLET
TRUCK INTO THE ARENA - tipping the TitanTron in the process and running over
the WWF logo in the entranceway.
Austin says they're going to share a pre-match beer. Austin's got a hose - a
hose full of beer? He douses the ring, Rock, Shane, and especially Vince
(and apparently himself, too!) Vince does the humourous pratfalls we all
know and love, and if it IS a toupee I can't tell. Eh.
this is the BIGGEST RAW IN HISTORY accoring to Michael Schiavone.
Backstage, Wight wreaks havoc on random props. He's so unhappy. Aww, c'mere
ya big lug. Give us a hug.
By the way, WrestleMania was good - but "good" in the context of
WrestleMania ain't good enough for me. I want "special," dammit! Oh,
wait, I'm just LOOKING for a reason to complain, aren't I. Still, Rick's
a little TOO giddy in my opinion, well, good for him I guess. If I didn't
work Sunday nights, I'd probably drink a lot and enjoy it a lot more, too.
I mean, not that Rick...oh never mind. Hey Rick, I LOVE YOU MAN!
I hear glass, time for the ass - STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN is out and posing
at all four corners - dropping the belt once (what, is he drunk ALREADY?)
but managing to avoid injuring his knee.
Speaking of which, here's ten breasts in twenty seconds - Ivory, Tori,
Jacqueline, Terri, and Sable! And they're all WALKING!
And here's some more breasts! Ewww, Paul Bearer's!
"No, child - don't be scared - I came out here to see what you got." Sable
kinda warms up to this and starts le Grind again - Undertaker grabs her by
the throat. YEAH! KILL HER! Oops.
"Vince - it is true, isn't it. She really is sugar and spice and everything
nice, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...." unfortunately, this is one of those MAGIC
phones that Vince and you and I can here, but Shane can't.
1, 2, 3. (2:50) Is it too early for me to give up on the Legion of Doom? Ha!
".nah, you know what, piss on that because as far as the Rock is concerned,
there ain't nobody, and the Rock means - " Crowd: "Nobody!" Rock: "Don't do
that.
Opening Credits - closed captioning symbol ironically belies the fact that
the lyrics don't come across on the screen - oh, you're tired of me making
lyric jokes? Pucker up! RAW IS WAR IS HO EN YA HUH!
From the Nassau Colesium in Uniondale, Long Island, NY, it's RAW IS WAR
for 5.4.99 (taped 30.3) en espanol donde sea disponible! And lest we
forget, the Rock still has possession of the "Smokin' Skull" belt (and the
WWF Style sheet says you WILL refer to it as such, dammit).
I'm REALLY confused. This interview - they're not talking, they're
running around doing wrestling moves and - my God, it's an actual MATCH to
START the show!
Owen's got some "OH" tights in the Jarrett style - the problem is, if you're
checking out his rump (and I admit it's not something *I'd* do, but) it
reads "HO."
X-Pac, Owen, and the "Nugget" chant start.
That's one loud chant.
Cole: "Kane is on fire!" Ewww, that's TASTELESS.
Sable appears on Happy Hour - NEXT! Get Happy! Too bad she's sitting
next to Lisa Loeb - I might forget which one of them is supposed to be the
sex symbol.
DAMN softball! Damn softball to hell!
"Wight...you've got a whole lot of fat, hairy, dimpled ass
for us to kick."
Rock starts a "Rocky" chant and it fails to develop into a "Rocky sucks"
chant - I think they overestimated crowd intelligence.
BONG....BONG...the MINISTRY OF COMIC BOOK SALES appears at the top of the
ramp.
"Hey, sound guy! Hey, lights guy! Don't DO ANYTHING when he comes out!
THAT'LL show him!" Oops, I hope I'm not giving anything away here.
You know this is a big deal 'cause Lawler's breaking into his
"I'm not kayfabin' you" voice.
Hey, Stephanie's a hell of an actress - I know everybody else has already
said it but I'll say it too - once.
Here's JIM ROSS & DR. DEATH and Williams is snapping everyone's neck in
sight with them cool souffles.
This must be serious - Edge isn't smiling!
Was THAT the entire segment? Geez, this is as bad as Nitro!
Sable - Happy Hour - next - whatever
When Dogg says this is the "Dogg house," you can almost hear Rick
Steiner going "hey! That's MY line! Don't start barking!"
Thank God the Outlaws are back together so I can hear that FABULOUS ring
introduction!
Gee whiz, you mean those hep bondage cats don't ENJOY getting flogged?
Yank yank yank - Gunn's not that kinda guy is he?
Rear chinlock as the commentary team continues to sell the Undertaker story
for the more clueless among us, I guess.
Let Us Take You Back to Last Week, where Ken Shamrock went on a Quest,
wrestled Gangrel, got a bloodbath, tortured Christian, found the
basement,found Stephanie, and forever received Vince McMahon's gratefulness.
KING KEN SHAMROCK v. VISCERA (no entrance) - hey, I saw this match on the
6th of July - do I have to see it again?
Was there another Happy Hour ad in here? I'm tired of noting them. USA is
ANNOYING me.
VAL VENIS v. MANKIND - Val gets the mic and tells us his dick is really
big, or something.
As we see Vince, Stephanie and the eight cops, the lights *eerily* flicker -
ooohhh...
The United States Coast Guard (c'mon the Coast Guard is COOL!) Rescue of the
Week is Meanie's belt shot on Road Dogg to secure the Intercontinental title
for Goldust - thus rescuing - the belt?
We take a peek at the Ministry backstage - how are they gonna get
Stephanie with those eight cops? You mean there are NINE of them?
Hmmm... I'd like to see them on Hollywood Squares...
The really skanky ho does a Luger-esque pec flex, which looks a little more
interesting than when Luger does it (but not as interesting as when NORMAN
SMILEY does it).
Why does his vest say "Hompin' ain't easy?" Is that like a MADE UP word?
Goldust is Meanie's mommy, you know.
They never DID tell me what the insignia on Goldust's butt
cheek signified.
Happy Hour is NEXT! That's it, I'm not watching it. I don't care HOW
skimpy them dancers' outfits are!
It bears repeating - lose the accompanying chant if you're gonna play
Undertaker's music.
Undertaker lets loose with a little "Dragonslayer" scat as Ryan is
raised into the air.
Weird seeing an Iditarod ad and KNOWING Paul Ellering isn't competing.
I forgot to mention last week Rock's showing off his boobies again, so I
guess it wasn't as important to me as I thought.
Ahh, the intricate mind games between the unthinking WWF fans and Pepsi.
Wight has new music, which has lyrics,
which I can not make up. "Well, well it's the Big Show / Yes it's a big
bad show tonight / Yeah, it's the Big Show / He's a REAAAL MAN'S MAN /
Well / and so on" Umm, what the hell was wrong with his old music? "Well,
it's the Big Show." God damn, I'm laughing at THAT. I need ME some theme
music like that. "Well, it's CRZ / His initials are CRZ / Well, well,
it's CRZ / the letters stand for CRZ / do you know what I'm saying / I'm
talking about CRZ (and I can dig it!)"
Wight gives the "bring it on" hand motion, H gets in some licks, but
coming off the ropes, Wight hits the giant (ahem) back bodydrop. It even
gets it's own Castrol GTX Double Feature (because they're worried he won't
do anything not a headbutt tonight) - another headbutt.
Tag to the Rock, who punches away but - wait for it - is stopped with a
headbutt.
Corporate elbow BECAUSE THE FANS DEMAND IT.
Oh, please. This is kinda lame, you know.
I hope this doesn't mean a new set next week and a new Star of David logo!
Hey, I think I'm offended! I got laid ... once. It was pretty good, too -
there wasn't even sympathy involved!
"No Chance in Hell" is sure one annoying song - which,
by now, is THE POINT, I suppose.
"Dad, where are the balls the size of grapefruits? That's what I want to
know."
Let me get out my scorecard here - okay...Mr. McMahon replaced with Vince,
check - face turn progressing nicely. Shamrock on the outs, face turn in
effect, check. Patterson & Brisco written out (apparently) for Rodney and
Pete "Gas." Hmm, we'll see how that works...I'm ambivalent for the
moment. Anything else? No Undertaker or Austin in the opening gambit,
except by allusion. This story? I'm digging it! Now, to avoid bias,
I'll note: THIS ISN'T WRESTLING! Whew, glad I got that out of the way.
(THE LOVELY) SABLE (with Nicole Bass) v. TORI v. IVORY (with stupid scarf)
v. JACQUELINE (with Terri Runnels) in a Four Corners match for the Women's
World Championship - remember when "Amazon" was a word reserved for Chyna?
Bass: "You got a proooooblem?" How can I best answer that?
Backstage, there's Stone Cold Steve Austin - and he's - he's - WALKING!
That belt's coming back, that's the bottom line, 'cause yadda
yadda yadda. Then he pops a cold beer - cooooold beer - coooooold beer -
cooooold beer.
PAUL WIGHT (LION) v. ? - "Well, it's the Big Show / It's a Big Big Show
tonight..." I'm still laughing.
First match at 42:42 into the show!
"Well, it's a squaaash show - it's a big big squaaash" Replay of damn near
the entire match.
Gunn tells us to suck it, Venis says his dick is big. Might this
be an ACTUAL match tonight?
Crowd couldn't care less about all this wrestling stuff.
Rodney and Pete "Gas" do a little spiel then storm the Boiler Room... I
bet after this ad break we find out how they did.
Austin (and D'Lo) for 1-800-COLLECT - why would they be talkin' on the
phone some night, anyway? And with all the money Austin makes, why
WOULDN'T he let Brown call him collect? Ha!
The Ministry attacks, black ninja style (one at a time so it doesn't work)
and Shamrock has no problems with them.
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago, where Shamrock shows what you're
SUPPOSED to do with a baseball bat - crack up some skulls, not point it at
a video screen - oops
This ALMOST resembles some WRESTLING tonight!
Ross: "Even the Undertaker's fans can't condone what he's doing now!"
Translation: "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU STILL CHEERING THIS GUY? ARE YOU DAFT?
BOO THIS GUY ALREADY! HE'S A
BAD GUY NOW! GOD DAMMIT, DO WHAT WE SAY!" Sorry, got carried away there.
"People say I've lost touch with reality. Well I just want you to know
that I am who I am. And the reality is, tonight you become one with my
Ministry, but before that can happen, you must suffer. You must feel
unimaginable pain. So Kenny - rest gently my friend. It's going to be a
long, long night - hahahahahahahahaha"
X-PAC & THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE v. TRIPLE H & TEST (with
That Slut Chyna) for the tag team championship - If we time this just
right, the entrances will take longer than the match!
Rock takes Austin to the bridge, OVER the bridge, says some stuff that's
bleeped (TAPE! TAPE!), and lets him FALL to the river below! (Or so the
editing would have you believe.)
Well, it ain't wrestling - but damned if I still enjoyed it anyway. But
that's just me.
One Year Ago, Steve Blackman appeared in the main event, and had his
unbeaten streak broken at the hands of Dude Love thanks to a DEVASTATING
abdominal stretch - and the fact that Mr. McMahon called for the bell.
Opening credits - RAW IS WAR'S A MORN IN YOUR BAR!
THE ROCK drives a hearse into the arena (ohh, so THAT'S why the ramp isn't
there!) - we see a gravesite, complete with funeral wreaths and Austin
photo. Rock's gonna bury his dead monkey ass - has Undertaker been
alerted that someone's stealing his gimmick?
There's probably some other stuff I'm missing here but I keep
humming "Six Feet Deep" in my head. GETO BOYS BAY-BEE! I'll say this: at
least it was a SHORT interview.
We gaze outside, where Austin will hopefully arrive later in the show.
How's that work? "Hey Steve, go ahead and show up whenever you want
tonight. We don't care. In fact, if you want to wait until, say, 10:55,
that'd be GREAT!"
This sets off Lawler into a frenzy the likes of which we've never seen -
automatically qualifying it as the single most annoying performance in the
history of our great sport.
Shut the FUCK up, Lawler.
Lawler is a great big ass.
Ross calls him a buzzkiller. I wish he'd kill Lawler while he's at it. Oh
sorry.
During the Break footage shows the Acolytes trying to explain what
happened, Undertaker saying it doesn't matter - and Viscera taking out
Faarooq (this black on black crime's gotta stop!) while Undertaker attacks
the already damaged ribs of Bradshaw. Geez, Undertaker's down to - what,
two guys?
GODFATHER (with eight - no, four ho's) v. HARDCORE HOLLY for the
Intercontinental Championship - Lawler can NOT suck enough tonight - is he
channeling Schiavone if he were a superlech? Aaaaaagh.
Anyway, braless ho's probably ARE good for ratings but it won't make the
Workrate fans
happy, I'm thinking.
Cookie sheet shot! Again, again! And one more. And there's another.
Holly's none too technical tonight.
"My, what big tassles we have!" says the nice lady shining the Rock's
shoes. Somehow we talk a bit about Austin in here. O-kay.
Shamrock shouts to signify that he's either "snapped" or "in the zone."
RODNEY & PETE "GAS" join the commentary team - this will most surely suck.
I mean, oh boy, Rodney & Pete "Gas!" The Mean Street Posse! Hooray!
Oh yeah, Triple H uses "No Chance in Hell" 'cause I went a whole HOUR
without hearing it and that won't do.
This sure feels like an awful lot of wrestling for the WWF, doesn't it?
They keep saying "beefy and juicy" even though those raviolis, to my
knowledge, have never been characterised as "juicy."
For the first time, somebody reminded us that Triple H is from Greenwich!
Must have been an accident.
I recommend castration for Lawler if he's going to continue with this gig.
If Lawler says "puppies" one more time I hole up in a clock tower.
Then, and this is REALLY weird, Dogg starts SINGING! "Spending my days
workin' hard on the go / 'Cause the hands on the clock keep spinnin' too
slow / I can't wait to be alone with my baby tonight..." Well, okay, no he
doesn't really. I just wanted to see if
you were paying attention.
The Nestle's Crunch Slam of the Week is the big Showkeslam on Christian
from last week's Big Show - err
This is a DREAM MATCH! What a pleasure to call this kinda of action -
they're - they're
LOOKING at each other!
Lockup, to the corner, chop by Show, again, (woooo!), whip into the opposite
corner, Viscera puts up an elbow, clothesline, right, right, right,
shoulder drive, again, I would describe these blows as "deliberate."
This is the GREATEST MATCH I'VE EVER CALLED!
You know, maybe there's too MUCH wrestling on RAW tonight - I
don't know. Let's ask Herb.
Let Us Take You Back to Last Week and a Very Special Video Look at Shane
using Stephanie as Bait to Bring Vince out So He Can Berate Him and Become
Drunk With Power while Vince Tries to Turn Face
So who's after Ryan Shamrock anyway?
VAL VENIS is out to tell us how hard his dick is. Lawler: "They sure love
him!" Ross: "Every inch of him!" Before his opponent comes out, here's
SABLE'S BREASTS, followed closely by (THE LOVELY) SABLE.
Let Us Take You Back to Last Week and "the Barrage on the Bridge" and it
took me three times to see the post production "black dot" covering up the
(floating?) dummy
after the splash, so nice job there, WWF.
We cut backstage to see the 3:16 Monster Truck and there's STONE
COLD STEVE AUSTIN - he walks over to the Rock's brand-new car and after a
polite conversation with the attendant, he lifts the car - anybody else
know where this is going?
Austin drives the truck into the arena (did they just raise the Titantron?)
and pops open a cold Silver Bullet (I destroy a forty thousand dollar car
and you give me LIGHT beer?)
Hey, look, the Undertaker is abducting Stephanie McMahon in a limo shot that
still has Scaia fuming!
THE ROCK walks to the ring to open up tonight's cavalcade of interviews as
Ross expresses his great concern for the McMahon family - as Stephanie
hasn't been seen since last night (what, did that CAMERA IN THE LIMO
suddenly stop working? Ha ha!)
SHANE'S AN IDIOT!
The Three Musketeers await the Call, and Vince - EMOTES.
This is as good as a squash, which must mean THIS MATCH IS THE PRETZELS!
Here's a shot of the Three Musketeers. The phone rings - and we quickly
zoom in on Vince. Then we quickly cut to an ad break before I can roll my
eyes - oops, not quick enough, guys!
Ross and Cornette act like they've seen the bit we've just seen - something
that a certain OTHER set of commentators may wish to learn from, hint hint.
From last night's Backlash - the Rock takes a camera and - I don't know, did
you think that
spot was REALLY cool or just plain lame? I bet your answer reflects your
opinion of Halftime Heat, too...
VAL VENIS v. D'LO BROWN (with Ivory and that fucking scarf) - Let Us Take
you back to last night's Heat where Nicole Bass said "I want your slide
trombone in my brass section" and ... well I know there's a joke here but
for some reason it's escaping me.
Backstage, Austin is WALKING! There's the Big Show! "What the hell are
you looking at?" "Hey man, it's the guy's DAUGHTER." "I don't give a
rat's ass WHO it is!" Anybody else wonder if maybe - just MAYBE...
D'Lo and Steve shill 1-800-COLLECT. I hope I see this two times NEXT
hour, too!
H catches him and throws him awkwardly by the knee. Gunn sells it enough
to let you know it's part of the story.
God KNOWS why they feel the need to advance THIS kind of story as all the
workrate fanatics gave up on this show a year ago!
Why does Ross keep calling him "Mister Ass?" Is this guy losing HIS name as
well?
Stone Cold walks by a monitor, sees Vince standing there (hey! Wrestlers
aren't supposed to WATCH TELEVISION!) and walks off, spittin' tebacky
juice in his cup. Here's a Special Look at Stone Cold Steve Austin - the Rattlesnake! And, hell yeah, you can buy this special "rattlesnake" shit for only $25 plus shipping and handling...
Whoops, I just realised I mistyped "shirt" up there. Sorry.
That was the WHOLE segment? What is this, WCW?
Jarrett attacks before the bell, natch, but Godfather quickly comes back as
Ross tells us (not in so many words) that it's all just a character and stop
taking it so
seriously, you knuckleheads.
Why is Sexual Chocolate's theme playing in the background? What's his name
anyway?
Who cares?
Bearer holds a copy of "Some homemade other-worldly language title here" and
everybody walks by as Ross says "They're coming out here!"
Austin/Brown for 1-800-COLLECT #4. Whew, glad I don't have to see THAT
the rest of the night. Oh wait, this isn't on Nitro is it? Ha! The USA Update is fifteen minutes early this week! How odd!
After a bit of this, the lights go out and that familiar music plays - ummm,
you'd think he'd move a BIT faster to help out his tag team partner here.
Ross tries to get the story over but...well, if he has to try THAT hard,
perhaps...eh what do I know.
Ross tells us how heinous the Undertaker is and how he can't possibly be an
Undertaker fan anymore (and how come YOU are? You callous, heartless fan
for disbelieving what we ask of you!).
Undertaker gets the mic. I'm in real fear this will soundly suck, let's all
listen together.
If it matters, the book's title is "Ministerium et Acerbus" which until I'm
told
otherwise (and I hope you can restrain yourslef) is "Ministry of Darkness"
in one of the languages I don't speak.
And is it WRESTLING, anyway?
Does it even matter anymore?
Also at Backlash, the Undertaker kidnapped Stephanie (and a cameraman). At Monday, lots of fun stuff happened with Vince, the Undertaker, Stephanie, Paul Bearer, and then Steve Austin. If you hear the term "black wedding," take a drink!
NICOLE BASS is out as you might expect, and Val takes off, as you might expect. Bass follows. What you might NOT expect is that after all this, GODFATHER makes his way to the ring, leaving behind his four - no, two ho's. He actually approaches jogging!
"Well, Blue
Blazer, it's been a while since we've seen you here in the WWF. To what
do we owe the honour?" "Well, Kevin, it's quite simple. The Blue Blazer
is back in the WWF because the WWF NEEDS the Blue Blazer back." "Needed
for what, Owen?" "Owen? I'm not Owen - where is Owen, I'm lookin' for
Owen Hart too! Where is he? Anyway, the conditions here in the WWF have
become deplorable! There's - there's too much...............CLEAVAGE!
And that, that...Val...I can't even say his last name but you know what it
rhymes with - I can't even say it, but he's deplorable - everything is
deplorable here in the WWF." "But WHY you?" "Why me? Because the WWF
NEEDS a superhero like the Blue Blazer! One that can protect good from
evil! And one last thing in closing, to all my little Blue Blazer - take
your vitamins, say your prayers, and drink your milk! Wooooooo!"
WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW v. TEST - you know, I could SWEAR I've seen this match like a MILLION times already.
Replays of the dropkick (judicious camera angle is from BELOW the apron) and chokeslam - hey, that's like every wrestling move in this match, Herb!
Out comes the CORPORATION - out comes the MINISTRY OF COMIC BOOK SALES - and if you can't figure out what it means to see all those people standing together, you haven't been paying attention to the past month or so of WWF television. "Austin - Rock - let me be the first to introduce you to the Corporate Ministry! And you guys better get it together and change your strategy!" Cole: "OH MY GOD!" Me: "Oh, come ON, Cole."
Let's watch Sable go Hollywood! Why? Ummm....because she's there, I guess. This also is supposed to keep you from noticing she's not been in the arena lately....Pac Blue, Happy Hour, Extra, Regis, ET, TV Guide, Playboy, etc. Is it overkill yet? NEVER!
In the back, Gunn and Dogg do so much arguing that uberofficials Hebner, Garea and Slaughter have to break it up! Damn, Slaughter, no matter how long it gets in the back, it ain't comin' back on top, you know?
Gangrel says a bunch of confusing stuff, but the gist is Undertaker held them back but no more. They search for ... ah hell, that man makes no sense at all. What happened to his cool Vampire accent? Christian says ... nothing. Edge says some stuff (Edge speaks!) but I can't get past that smile, those TEETH. They're the unholy trio, you know. Edge does a Captain Planet impersonation, then goes on to say that they "will become what we will become." That's DEEP, MAN. Oh, and the freaks come out at night, hahahahaha. What determines if a wrestling match is good or bad??? I still believe that it is fake!!!! Oh yeah but I keep forgetting you are a so called internet reporter so you have to write something!!!! Your reports about monday night wrestling would be a lot better if you would stop trying to be funny and sarcastic!!!!!!
He's right!!!! I better get right on that!!!! Because I am a so called
internet reporter so I have to write something!!!! I need to stop
trying to be so funny and sarcastic!!!! Don't you agree???? But what do you
mean wrestling is fake????
Opening credits - closed captioned logo - RAW IS WAR'S A PORN TO BOB RY! (der)
Austin vs. Brown - winner calls collect!
Gunn makes the "ooh, my ass sizzles when I lick my finger and touch it"
motion.
Brisco with fists o' fury while Patterson prefers kick to the nuts (Make
your own joke here)
Kick to the gut - STONE COLD STUNNER! Vince barks at him - then
covers! 1, 2, 3!! (1:48 bell-to-bell) The roof blows off the joint.
Damn, that was pretty cool, wasn't it? Oh sorry. I mean, "that sucked
and it wasn't wrestling." Don't burn my workrate membership card,
PLEEEEEEEEEASE.
Faarooq thrown through the ropes, Mankind follows - let's hope he does
better than cotton candy - oh boy, a box full of plastic peanuts!
KING KEN SHAMROCK v. TRIPLE H (with that Referee Chyna) - Chyna points
to the stripes as if to say "Hey, look, I'm wearing stripes." Shamrock
won't let Chyna check him out. Lawler: "I think all referees should dress
like that!" Ross: "I wouldn't want to see Teddy Long in those shorts." Oh yeah, *NEVER* fly America West. EVER. EVER. Okay. America West SUCKS. Have I hammered this point home?
THE WORST AIRLINE IN AMERICA. AMERICA FUCKING WEST.
A couple people looked at me funny on the 1 train one night - I *almost*
wondered if maybe I'd been recognised. Then I realised that they were
just a couple of New Yawkers that had LOST THEIR MINDS and were staring
at me for no apparent reason. I'm used to a different type of insanity
over here in Silicon Valley and wasn't on that wavelength. Or maybe they
just liked my hair - I don't know. There was also a point to my bringing
THIS up, but it also completely escapes me.
I've blown off a few hundred emails - I'd feel bad about this, but I
TOLD you I wasn't gonna be around and you wrote me anyway. Please don't take
it personally if you were DYING for a response and didn't get one - you
can write again if you want, but it's possible I'll make fun of you and
tell you to get a life. Then you can turn on me and say something
clever like "Pot, kettle, black." Gay fun will be had by all!
Right about now, Rick's seriously reconsidering his promise to never
edit for content
Exterior of the Orlando Arena - Interior of special guest MONICA SELES.
I'd like to get into the interior of Monica Seles - oh sorry
Big Show kinda does a "yeah aahchokeslam okay" hand motion which is
hilarious in it's halfheartedness.
Here's some clips from "Nash Bridges," the season finale of which airs
Friday - oh by the way, Steve Austin is your special guest star. Looks
like lots of fight scenes (more action than RAW? You decide)
(THE LOVELY) SABLE (with Nicole Bass) v. DE-BRA in an Evening Gown match
for the World Women's Title - Ummm, I HARDLY think Sable's wearing a
"gown." By the way, these two aren't wrestlers and I'm OUTRAGED that
this is a title match. Now, let's see some tits!
I'm thinking that sometimes it's NOT a good idea to let
'em swing freely - in particular, for that one ho.
Brisco does a Flair-esque WOOOO just to remind us how old he is. I
leave it to you to decide who "he" refers to in the previous sentence.
Hebner talks over AARP benefits with Debra
Patterson and Brisco commence to furniture moving - barricading
the door. Oh NO, they're keeping that nice cameraman from escaping! Listen to Ross say "Smooth technical style" when referring to Triple H - and keep a straight face! Hey, SHAME on you if you thought there was a Bells Palsy joke in that last paragraph! What's WRONG with you people? RAW 17.5.99 Lawler proclaims Meat "hard to beat," then goes on about his feet. Lawler - me he can eat, his commentary is far from elite, nor is it neat, in his mush I'd like to bury a cleat, his ass my foot prepare to greet, wheee rhyming IS fun. RAW 17.5.99 UNDERTAKER v. ROCK in a Very Rare Casket Match - as opposed to a medium rare casket match, I suppose. RAW 17.5.99
Cleavage vignette. Here, I'll transcribe this for once, but I STILL
won't like it! "Gosh, Mom, your flapjacks look great!" "Oh, honey. *Gasp!*
Oh no, my little hairy Beaver's all wet! Let me get that for you. That's
better, now we have a dry clean hairy beaver." "Thanks, Mom! Nobody
likes a sloppy Beaver!" Or maybe it's "Harry Beaver." Oh, who cares.
I mean, *snigger snigger* the WWF Brain Trust has DONE IT AGAIN! GENIUS!
BRILLIANCE! It works on SO MANY LEVELS. Awww, fuck it.
In Memory of
fade to black.
The Beav comes out in black'n'white filmovision. Beav thinks
Christian's a hippy! Some people think that about ME, too.
Christian scales the turnbuckles but Cleavage crotches him. Superplex?
No, Christian shoves him off and then hits a - frog elbowdrop? Frogs
don't HAVE elbows!
Godfather spells Ho "HOE" so maybe he's really a gardener!
Hey, anybody remember that Sable woman? Whatever happened to her?
Shamrock with the DDT, which Venis is contractually obligated to
oversell once a match.
Bass apologises profusely and promises it won't happen again. Venis says
it's okay baby, "you can make it up to me ... right now." Ahhh.
Fortunately, they walk backstage before we find out what that exactly
entails. You know, as much as we wish it, as much as we LONG for the guy under there to be the one who recently left us, as much as I want it as much as you, we all KNOW that it can't be, and it's sad that that crazy rumour even started. Maybe you read it on r.s.p-w, maybe you saw it on some bogus website out there, but if I could find the person who started that
rumour - I'd have special words for him. Fortunately, I have this
forum,
so I'll say it here, publicly, in the hopes that it eventually reaches
the
person who started that awful, awful rumour about who was under the
hood.
So to that guy - the guy who said "it's the Ultimate Warrior under
there,"
I have only one thing to say: Shame on you.
Next Monday: What do Anna Kournikova, Mick Foley, CRZ and the Artist
Formerly Known as Prince have in common?
Does anyone else think that Roddy Piper showed more moves in the episode
of "Walker, Tejas Ranger" that aired right before the show (on USA, anyway
- I'm sure they show something else in them other countries) than he has
in, oh, the past YEAR in the WCW? I'm just saying is all...
Geez, Piper's a real AK-TORE. "I'm Cody the Crusader!" Geez, I almost
BELIEVE he's Cody the Crusader. But why's he doin' that Superfly Jimmy
Snuka "I love you" hand bit?
You know what? I probably WON'T watch "Walker" just so I can get the RAW
preview ad anymore...'cause I don't know what's worse, this or "Felicity."
VINCENT K. walks down to ringside in his rasslin' duds - he's the Greater
Power, by the way. You know it, I know it, we all desperately want it to
be anybody BUT him (why's he getting such a loud cheer then?), but there's
just been too many seeds planted, and even though it makes NO sense if you
really look at the past storyline, that's it and live with it.
the Gregorian chants start up (which, by law, signifies that this WILL
suck)
The hood is lifted - oh, of course, it's Vince McMahon. "It's me, Austin!
It's me, Austin! It was me all along Austin!" Well, fuck.
[Austin]'s booking Triple H tonight against the Rock in a cast match -
they'll put him in a full leg cast and have him wrestle the Rock. Geez,
what'll he do without a KNEE to use?
Let's look at some WACKY
fans outfitted in some CRAZY Kane & Mankind masks - easy guys, Halloween
is four months away, ha ha ha! (Read that last sentence in your best
"Newsreel" voice and it'll work as "humour.")
Speaking of that Union - there's the Big Show, Ken Shamrock and Test - and
- whoa! They're WALKING!
Backstage, Debra - ooooohhhhhhh oh oh oh oh - WALKS!
Then [Shamrock] butchers the English language a bit, but the upshot is
that Jarrett's gonna have to wait - tonight, he wants VINCE in the Lion's
Den - a little retribution for the humiliation and embarrassment. He's
gonna abuse him - hell, if it's half as bad as his abuse of the spoken
word...okay, I'll leave the man alone.
Hey, who DID Debra win that title from again? I can't remember....geez, it
was some blonde chick with giant breasts...ah, hell, there's a MILLION of
them on TV. I'll NEVER remember.
Hey, I bet any day now [Nicole] Bass gets some facial reconstruction - not
so's they could EXPLOIT her or anything, no no.
Here's the World Premiere of Rock's "Gettin Chefy with It" Chef Boyardee
commerical. It mainly involves pictures of the Rock standing around. In one
scene, he actually appears to be eating ravioli! WOW!
Ivory is dressed to wrestle, which is pretty confusing considering she's
a woman.
GTV black'n'white with Mr. Ass and some lucky woman who gets to shave his
ass. A zit is discovered, and mirth and mayhem ensues. This is the WWF!
Ross calling Viscera: "Patterson under all that humanity! That's the largest man that's ever
been on Patterson!"
MICHAEL KING COLE interviews BEAVER & MRS. CLEAVAGE - he's got a big match
tonight with Meat - "Aww, Mom, I don't wanna have a match with a guy named
Meat..." and he lowers his head to the comely young lass' bosom - then he
gets up and says "I can't do this..." removes the beanie, and walks off as
a voice offstage says "Chaz! Chaz, we're live! Chaz...." and we cut to
an ad break.
Hey, there's CORTEZ KENNEDY from the Seattle Seahawks in the audience!
You mean he's not wrestling or cutting a promo? Oh, right, that's the
OTHER federation.
Rock brings the "symbol" into the ring. Looks like it's time for
another Ryderification!
Does the Rock have a ... thing ... with objects being rectally inserted?
I don't smell what he's cookin'.
Sign in crowd: "WCW SUCKS AND MASTER P. SWALLOWS" - oh yeah, baby.
And THAT'S the bottom lahn, 'cause humma humma ba dumma.
"Kane, it seems to me you don't know who Hardcore Holly is - you see, I'm
the Big Shot! So, if you want some of Hardcore Holly ... besides
blindsiding me like you did last night, I tell you what, why don't you
bring your Big Red diapered ass down by the ramp and fight me face to
face, because I tell you what, I'm ready for you tonight, ya Big Red
Retard!" When did Holly go COMPLETELY insane, anyway?
Ross says for the second time that Gunn fancies himself "Brad Pitt
with an Attitude" so I guess I better note it before he says it five more
times and overkills me to death. I personally think Gunn looks as much
like Brad Pitt as *I* do but you didn't hear ME say that.
Michael King Cole stands in front of a door. He'll be talking to Mr.
McMahon soon - so don't you DARE touch that dial! Even if you see Scott
Putski and Sid Vicious on the other channel!
Who raised the briefcase? Will we ever know? Will we care when we DO
know?
Wednesday night I did something I haven't done in a long, long time:
I saw a movie on its opening night. I felt like I HAD to go see "South
Park," just to fill my bloodlust for naughty words - I've had this situation
dealing with naughty words lately, you see. That movie was AWESOME.
You must go see it. I know many of you will have to ask your 18-year
old friends to take you, but it's worth it, believe me. Filthy language
is DAMN entertaining. Inspired, I offer apologies to Eric Cartman (AND Kyle's mom) and offer my thoughts in song: "Weeeeeeeelllllll......
WrestleLine's a bitch, it's a big fat bitch
On Monday it's a bitch, on Tuesday it's a bitch
Have you ever surfed this site I'm on
Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch 'cause
WrestleLine is a biiiiiiiiiitch..."
We are NOT LIVE from the Unnamed Arena in Fayetteville, NC 5.7.99 (taped
29.6) for WWF RAW IS WAR! This sellout crowd comes to you en
espanol donde se disponible on the All New (Logo) USA Network and (Boring Old)
TSN.
When we come back, Ross promises "the damnedest ho's you've
ever seen" - and if THAT doesn't make you want to keep it locked in
on RAW IS WAR, well, you're just not a wrestling fan. Or something.
...unfortunately the picture cuts out and fades into GTV, where Droz and Prince Albert are putting on their ho outfits - and Droz thinks he LIKES it...
Droz does a Grind (just like
- damn, who used to do that again?) and Albert stumbles about in his
shoes. Godfather and Venis make sure we all get that they're
laughing. I kept waiting for Droz to say "life's a drag" but it didn't happen.
Elsewhere backstage, the cops ask Finkel, Slaughter and Garea if they've
seen X-Pac & Road Dogg. Slaughter and Garea say no, and the
Fink rats 'em out, 'cause he ALWAYS ... you know. Finks.
I believe Ross sums it up nicely with "ah, the dreaded potted plant shot"
The Rock "gets chefy with it" - that is to say, "stands around and
occasionally ingests ravioli while other folks dance and rap."
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with De-Bra) v. A BACKSTAGE LOOK AT X-PAC
& ROAD DOGG LOADED INTO A POLICE CAR - NO, WAIT - IT'S CHAZ (with Marianna)
for the Intercontinental Title - Ross wonders why Chaz suddenly gets
an IC title shot - hey, yeah! Me too! Ross mentions that Chaz
is wrestling in his underwear, causing me to wonder who could POSSIBLY be interested
in seeing some guy wrestle wearing THAT.
wwf.com promo deals with the sensitive issue of dog crap
Wow, what's with all the matches? I kinda like it.
WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW & HARDCORE HOLLY v. THROUGH HELL FIRE AND
BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE & NOT X-PAC - Unless my grasp of tonight's storylines
deceives me, X-Pac is still on his way to the Phi Gamma Slamma, making this
a Handicap Match - Holly is quick to tell referee "Blind" Earl Hebner
AND Big Show that HE'S running things for this team tonight. 'Cause
he's insane, you see.
Poor Keshia - from cute Cosby kid to annoying anti-smoking activist - how the mighty have fallen
TRIPLE H (with That Slut Chyna) v. AD BREAK in a Steel Cage match -
hey, I'm as shocked as you are.
TRIPLE H (with That Slut Chyna) v. ROCK in a Steel Cage match - Can
I just say there are FAR too many people on this World Wide Web that spend
FAR too much time staring at Rock's nipples? Thanks, I had to get
that off my nipples. CHEST!
...your unseen commentators are MICHAEL
KING COLE & VINCE RUSSO. As a commentator, Russo is a poor man's Cornette
- taking care to relate the stories that be happenin' but without any sort
of, you know, personality.
Let Us Take You Back to RAW and show you that despite that terrible
concussion, Bradshaw showed up for the Acolytes' tag team title defense
against #1 Contenders the Hardy Boyz. They may have even won, except the
Hardyz cheated by snapping Hayes' "Wrestler B. Cool" stick over Bradshaw's
head to score the pinfall. And I'll be shocked if ANYWAY saw the FWF
reference I just snuck in there.
FIREWORKS! BECAUSE WE ARE LIVE from Freedom Hall - let Freedom
ring in Louisville, KY 12.7.99 for WWF RAW! Sign in crowd: "NO LIMIT
= NO RATINGS"
Austin spins Vince around to face the top of the ramp, and they
both look - but the UNDERTAKER is approaching from behind, waffling
Austin with his own smokin' skull belt. Oh, he is busted wide open again.
Undertaker punches to really get the blood flowin' good. Ewwwww,
it's only 2110, I'm not used to blood this early into primetime! Austin
driven into the STEEL steps. McMahon smiles - and brandishes a fountain
pen. Unfortunately, no one in the WWF demos knows what fountain pens are
for. *I* thought Undertaker was carving up Austin like this was FMW, but
actually he simply filled the pen with Austin's blood instead.
(Oh, is THAT all.)
X-Pac tells us that DX is in the house so raise some hell and make a little
noise! Sounds like he has constipation, he does. "Now Hunter, Chyna,
Billy - your sorry corporate kissasses want the rights to DX?
Well, you're gonna have to beat us, and take our last breath pal, 'cause
at Fully Loaded your asses are grass and we're gonna smoke it!"
Lawler: "They're gonna do WHAT?" Ross: "Figure of speech."
Let Us Take You Back to Last Night's Heat where Gangrel hit the Impaler on Edge to cost the Brood a 6-man victory and seal the deal on the Brood splitting. Ross channels Schiavone by saying this is the first time these guys have met - which is a damn lie.
Ross comes back to Earth by remembering that Edge and Christian ARE brothers. It's unknown where Christian fits into this split, apparently. In fact, we don't really know WHY they're splitting. In FACT, we're not really sure WHY they got together in the first place!
"So what's the deal, Kane? What is it, man? I know you're
confused - but you can't let your brother manipulate you like he did before, man.
You know what I'm sayin'? I've always been straight witchoo and you
know it, but if you're gonna have anything to do with him, I don't want nuttin'
to do with you man, nothin'. So what you're gonna have to do - what
you're gonna have to do is make a choice. You have to do the right thing
man, make a choice." C'mon Mookie! Do the right thing!
Val compares his dick to Mick Foley - would that
make it Dick Foley? Free idea for Al Snow: Come out to the ring
carrying a half dozen garden hoes. It's funny, trust me.
Triple H: "Tell you what boys, bring that big red
retard with you to the ring - that is, if he can pull his nose out
of the Undertaker's ass long enough."
Well, now HERE'S a vignette. It's TORI! And she's NAKED!
She's also got a lot of words written all over her body. I guess she's come
a long way from being Sable's biggest fan....who?
TERRY TAYLOR interviews Droz, who is a sensitive nineties male getting
in touch with his feminine side - much to Prince Albert's consternation.
Droz wants an Evening Gown match. Someone's gonna get stripped to
their - ahem - bra and panties!
Snow takes the dress off his tits, then pulls off his pasties. Ross: "It's the dreaded breastlock!"
GTV presents a stairwell and Joey Abs saying "Baby, I'm sorry" to Stephanie, and tell her he knows he can make things right if she'll just give him another chance. "You know Joey, you were an idiot then, and you're an idiot now. I went out with you for one reason and one reason only, and that was for my brother Shane, and I'll never do it again. Stay away from me!"
The Countdown to the Millenium is either way off, or pointing to something else. I say this because they're misspelling "millennium." Oh well, we'll know in four weeks!
Ross: "Has Holly got a death wish?" The Acolytes DEMOLISH him,
then throw him in the ring...Bradshaw knocks Holly down as WELL IT'S
THE BIG SHOW rushes down to the ring and takes out Bradshaw with a
superkick. He then drapes Holly over his shoulder and walks up
the ramp, making the "what am I gonna do with this guy" face. Big Show
puts him down when they're at the top. "I was in control - I had him! I had
him beat! Had him right where I wanted him." "Yeah, you were
in control." Confusing - but funny! What's with these two guys?
LETHAL WEAPON STEVE BLACKMAN LETHAL WEAPON he speak not at all and carry
big stick
A batch of OFFICIALS & REFEREES comes out but they're quickly subdued.
Now STEPHANIE is out - grabbing Shane around the waist, Shane FIRES back
with an elbow that PASTES Stephanie right in the mush. Everybody in
the crowd gasps simultaneously, it was THAT good. Shane quickly realises
what he's done and falls to his sister's side. The Posse drop everything
and take Stephanie to the back. Replays of the wicked elbow - some camera
angles are better than others - just suspend your disbelief, baby, suspend!
In other news, I don't CARE that the word "slash" is verboten on the
WrestleLine forums. I think it's incredibly AMUSING, but still,
that doesn't mean I CARE. Stop writing me about it! I don't
run the forums!
(The preceding paragraph was meant to be perceived as "public whining"
by some, "a blatant attempt to increase hits on the WrestleLine forum"
by others, and "another annoying indirect and obscure reference to CRZ's
homepage" by my editors - I play all sides against the middle for my
own enjoyment)
Here's the CORPORATE MINISTRY come out to remind us why we watch the
opening quarter hour - for the *dialouge*, baby!
Undertaker promises that H's blood will be on his hands tonight, so
Sunday he can "bathe in Austin's." Ewwwwww.
STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN fixes to pick up the business, driving in in
a bloodmobile borrowed from the Central Kentucky Blood Center.
Hey, you can't drink beer while you're driving a bloodmobile!... Then he drinks
two more beers. I think Austin might have a problem.
Now Let's Take You Back to Tonight (finally), where Chyna is demurring
on putting her half of the double chain on. "You know, they say that
all dogs should be collared, and bitch, you see where mine's at."
Hey! That's sexist! "I know how kinky you and Triple H are,
you probably had something on similar to it last night, so don't be scared
girl, lock it up!"
Backstage, Rock is WALKING! He manages to get stopped by an autograph
seeker. "All right - what's your name?" "Mark--"
"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!" Then he makes him flinch. He's still
got it!
GTV presents BEN STILLER & JANEANE GARAF - GAROF - GAR - YOU KNOW,
THE ONE THAT HANGS WITH STILLER, and TWO OTHER ACTOR TYPES FROM "MYSTERY
MEN" (starting 30 July at a theatre near you! Commence saturation!)
hangin' and bangin' talkin' about rasslin' and puppies. I didn't
need this vignette - and I'm PRETTY sure Stiller is usually funnier than
this. Stiller actually manages to notice the GTV camera and disconnect it,
making him smarter than all the wrestlers featured so far...
Shane promises that things are now gonna be done his way "because I will stop at nothing for YOUR (Stephanie's) happiness!" Things will be done Mean Street Style...give it up one time for the posse.
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with De-Bra) v. CHRISTIAN for the Intercontinental Title - thank GOD, JERRY LAWLER has arrived to contribute his very special blend of idiotic commentary and pandering to the proceedings.
Jarrett asks Christian to show the proper respect for the Greatest
Intercontinental Champion of all time, so Christian hits a schoolboy for 2.
Ross says that doesn't taste good - not even with a little of JR's BBQ sauce. CRZ may occasionally be a mark for his own initials, but not NEARLY as much as Jim Ross is for his own barbecue sauce.
Ross: "Look at Chyna, that wench." 2 count. Lawler: "Remember,
what you say about others says a lot about you!"
AL SNOW (with Head) v. BIG BOSSMAN - Snow is apparently having problems with the voices in his head. Umm, his OWN head, not the other one. Ross words in "nuttier than a pet 'coon," oh thank God. Snow goes on to upend the timekeeper, throw several objects into the ring, then beg Bossman to knock him for a loop with the nightstick. Referee "Blind" Teddy Long exhorts Bossman not to use the stick, but WHOOMP! there it is. (DQ 0:00)
Now to a half crab, and holding the rope for balance - no, NOT for leverage, Blackman doesn't NEED to cheat.
Right, kick, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right,
right, right, right, right, right. Helmsley is a SCIENTIST!
Knee to the groin from the Big Show to Kane for
good measure - now Undertaker and Big Show sharing a stare - hand
extended, hand shook! Looks like we have an alliance between
these two behemoths (or bohemoths, if you prefer).
Happy Hour is NEXT! Sherman Hemsley is NOT related to Hunter Hearst
Helmsley! I think
"During the Break" footage shows Kane carrying X-Pac away, after
unleashing a ... yell of some sort. I didn't think he had the
pipes to do that, but far be it for me to worry about continuity - ha!
Holly gives a good shove to reg'lar announcer TONY CHIMEL (YOU spell it) and starts in with the ego. He announces the former Broodmates as weighing "about a buck and a quarter - and that's with Christian's legs wrapped up to make 'em look bigger!"
Holly: "And your winner - ME! The Big Shot, Hardcore
Holly!" and he rushes the Acolytes. Of course, the Acolytes quickly
take charge of the situation - there's a neat double spinebuster.
The lights go out and the pyro goes off again, as does the music - THROUGH FIRE
AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE is out again - chokeslam for Bradshaw! Chokeslam
for Faarooq! Chokeslam for Holly (the crowd LOVES that one)!
Chokeslam for Edge! Kane ... asking for the mic? He's got the voicebox
- crowd is loud for the big man. "You hurt Sean - you hurt me - Undertaker -
Big Show - tonight I'm gonna hurt you." And Kane strides up the ramp
We have some footage! It's another angle following the ambulance as it drives away - we see Shamrock checking things out - and a car comes in from stage left and broadsides him. The door opens - STEVE BLACKMAN steps out, stands over Shamrock - then puts on his sunglasses and gets back in the car to drive away. Blackman is one BAD mofo.
Vince extends his hand. Austin stares at it...and grabs the mic
from Vince. "You want me to put her there? You just want me to come out here after two years
and shake your little hand? I got a problem with that!" Then Austin
asks the crowd if he should snap off his arm and shove it up his ass...gee, that's
real big of him....Vince leaves the ring - but not before receiving a final
double bird from Austin. Vince walks up the ramp - for the last time? Ha.
Ross waves from the ring. Vince turns back...and delivers a double bird
of his own. Austin's music starts up again and it's time for some beer. ("I
take Vince off television, and you give me LIGHT beer?") Austin gives
a beer to Ross, who is happy to down it (hey Ross, don't drink that beer -
it'll slur your speech! Oh ... I'm sorry) - Austin has a second beer
as Ross rejoins Lawler. Ross is giddy to the point of getting the first
mute of the night ("God damn son of a bitch?") as Austin walks back up the
ramp.
As Vince gets ready to get back into his limo, he's stopped by HOWARD
FINKEL, who's in tears and breaking up inside. "Vince, please
- Vince, before you go I've wanted to tell you something. After 24 years
with you, I never thought I'd say this to you - but ... goodbye. Thank
you for everything. And I love you, Vince." The fink's crying.
Vince (sneering): "Get the hell away from me." Well, I'm not sure what
purpose THAT served, but at least we have a possible trivia answer. Who
was the last person to talk to Vince on Monday Night RAW? Of course,
Vince'll be back next week. Ha!
MICHAEL KING COLE interviews THE ROCK - rather, he models the Rock's
T-shirts and elbow pad while the Rock directs the shot onto himself.
Triple H may have beaten him, but it took three people to do it.
He's gonna give Mr. Ass what for, and he's gonna cure Chyna's Rock fever.
Both actions involve objects being shoved up various candyasses. "Michael
Cole, this microphone stinks - what is the problem?" Cole holds
up his hand to smell it - and Rock promptly smacks his hand, causing him to
smack his own nose. Ha!
The Unites States Coast Guard Rescue of the Week is D'Lo Brown rescuing
the European Title from being worn around the waist of Mideon by pinning
him following the 'Lo Down frog splash
As H and THAT SLUT CHYNA make it into the
ring, the RAW credits make their appearance as does the TV-14-DLV ratings
box. By the way, you may not have heard this, but My Top Secret
Source have divulged to me that Jesse Ventura himself will referee the main
event at SummerSlam! Yeah, I can't believe it myself!
"Hey jabrones! The Rock says this: Badd Ass Billy Gunn, if you
got a set of balls; and Chyna, the Rock knows you got some too - then
your candyass and your candyass meet the Rock tonight, Handicap match, and
then the Rock will take his left boot, take his right boot, turn 'em sideways
and stick 'em straight up your candyasses...if you smelllllll what
the Rock is cookin'." Gunn and Chyna are generally amused by this
- which seems to indicate that they accept. Gunn - fondles his genitals?
I don't wanna know...
UNDERTAKER (with Paul Bearer) & WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW v. THROUGH
HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE in a Handicap Match - if Big Show's gonna be
a heel, shouldn't he get some less... "happy" ... music? I still
laugh at the fact that "THE BIG SHOW" is written 'cross his posterior.
Backstage, we see Debra being photographed - then we see Jeff Jarrett
dragging her away because it's time for HIS interview. That wacky
Jarrett - always a spoil sport when it comes to letting us catch a glimpse
of Debra's tits.
Ross says the Millennium happens two weeks from tonight as JEDOUBLEF
JADOUBLEREDOUBLET & DE-BRA make it to the ring. Jarrett says
there are no puppies in our future because tonight is about the Greatest
Intercontinental Champion of Allllllllllll Time - what, the Honky Tonk
Man? Jarrett invites BEN STILLER into the ring. Jarrett
asks Stiller why he's in town - Stiller says he "wanted to see some World Class wrestling"
but the von Erichs were out of business so he came to see some WWF
wrestling instead. Jarrett and Stiller shamelessly shill "Mystery
Men" like Stiller was Chucky or something. Stiller sucks up to Jarrett
- if he REALLY wanted to make me think he was a fan, instead of telling Jarrett
he's "the best," he would have said "you're the greatest! Ain't
you great? You're greater than great!" All right, let's wrap
it up. "Tell everybody in here: WHO is your favourite WWF Superstar?" "That's
easy, Jeff, that's easy. There are two of them - THE PUPPIES!"
Jarrett, apparently hoping for a different answer, hits a forearm to take Stiller
down. Stomping away on him. Stiller crawling into the corner,
but Jarrett drags him back to the centre of the ring - FIGURE FOUR!!
Debra screaming to Jeff to stop it - but it ain't happening. Stiller
tapping out as if that'll help - that's always funny. D'LO BROWN runs
into the ring and clotheslines Jarrett. Jarrett gets in a punch, but there's
the Sky-Hi! And THERE'S the 'Lo-Down! Debra took the opportunity
to briefly bury Stiller's head in hear cleavage by way of consoling him.
Brown checking on Stiller, who is unable to walk from the figure four.
Jarrett forces Debra to pick up the belt and then they walk back up the ramp,
Debra protesting most of the way. Brown carrying Stiller out
now.
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago when Jeff Jarrett assaulted Ben
Stiller. That Jeff Jarrett - first William Shatner, then Chuck
Norris, and now Ben Stiller! He sure seems to have problems with celebrities!
Al Snow and a Chihuahua have a chat. Apparently, if Snow dumps Head, the dog will make the screaming stop...well that makes perfect sense, doesn't it?
Backstage, Terri Runnels....umm...err...well, there she is. Yup. Lookither... Oh sorry, I was a little distracted for just a minute there. Anyway, Meat's really tired, but he's got a match coming up. Meat seems relieved Terri's not asking her for sex again, proving he's gay.
The US Coast Guard (Slogan: "Guard the US Coast") presents the Rescue of
the Week - the rescue of Jim Ross' tone deafness as he leads a crowd in "Na
Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye." Okay, YOU tell ME what exactly was rescued.
Shane: "Hell, without Vincent K. McMahon, there would not even be - Ted Turner's dubbayaceedubbaya rasslin'! Nor their entire roster, many of which Vince
created a long time ago. "
The Rock gets cheffy with it! You know, *I* stand around ALL THE TIME, but they've never filmed a COMMERCIAL around it.
In the bathroom, AL SNOW and his dog (who Lawler calls PEPPER) try to flush HEAD down the toilet - but she don't fit. She does get a nifty swirly, though.
BIG BOSSMAN v. VISCERA for the Hardcore Championship - So sad to see former friends collide. Hey, black guy vs. prison guard - who are YOU gonna pick? After that belly-to-belly suplex, I pick Viscera.
wwf.com - it's like an anal probe. I THINK that's what this spot says
Jesse "the Body" Ventura will be live next Monday?? Wow, what a tough call
- Jess Ventura or Chad Brock.... hmmm... let me think on that...
STEVE BLACKMAN v. VAL VENIS - THIS is DEFINITELY the match *I'D* book in
the final quarter hour. But, like I doubt my tastes are indicative of the
public tastes at large. Val takes the mic and tells us his dick is like the
Internet. I didn't need to hear that.
ToRI v. LeXY FiFE (no entrance) - I can see Fife's cheeks!! Tori actually
whips out a double rolling snap suplex and a dropkick. Fife tries a face
plant (ha ha), then goes to the ol' hair pullin' and it's officially a
women's match. Tori's spear ain't Edge's. Finisher is ... a powerslam?
Eh, okay. (1:32) IVoRY makes her way out and waffles Tori with the title
belt. Repeatedly. Then she takes out a big marker and does some body
paint of her own - "SLuT" is painted on her abdomen, and "SKaNK" on the
back. Ivory's all right! (Well, I mean, it made *me* laugh.)
By the way: OTHER people talk about "CRZ" a HELL of a lot more than *I* do.
I am specifically referring to two other WrestleLine telvision recappers
who should know better but seem to sneak in a reference to me EVERY SINGLE
FRICKIN' WEEK. GIVE IT A GOD DAMN REST. GET TO THE WRESTLING.
and in 1:16:18 ... 1:16:09 we'll find out just what is up with that whole
Millennium clock thing! Oh, and Steve Austin will come out and say ass a
few times if we're lucky.
The Dawn of a New Age begins 26 August - the WWF returns to prime time network television with SMACKDOWN! Hey, UPN is TOO a network!
DA ROCK is out to make noise. Backstage, we see a couple of big men poised
- one is ready to attack now, but the other suggests hearing what he's got
to say first. I have a macro now that automatically types out "Finally, the
Rock has come back to Chicago! Big Show, last night on Sunday Night Heat
you did something you should never should have done, and that was put your
big sweaty palms on the People's Champion. Big Show, you think you impress
the Rock? Let the Rock make something perfectly clear to you - you have
never - and the Rock means ever - impressed the Rock! From the time your
crappy music hits - 'Well it's the Big Slow...'" Rock stealing material
from CRZ *and* Herb Kunze? "And every single Rock fan stops, pauses and
takes a look, and they all say this: 'Aw, I'm goin' to take a leak - this
guy SUCKS!'
Triple H plays the "she's only a girl" card, and the "no place for a woman"
card, and Chyna's all "I'll go, Commish!" and the crowd's all "you go,
girl!" and Chyna's all "You try me" and I'm like "ooh, scary" and then that
guy over there says "it's all a swerve and you can smell the screwjob!" and
I'm like "naah, they wouldn't pull THAT tonight - would they?"
TERRY TAYLOR works tonight! He's backstage with the Lethal Weapon. Blackman
says he'll step into the Lion's Den with Shamrock, but only if there are
weapons placed all around. "This thing's gonna end one way *OR*
*ANOTHER!!!!!!!!*" Blackman is the KING on this mic. I love how he looks
STRAIGHT at Taylor as if he really WERE Shamrock. Somebody teach Blackman
how to look into the camera! Hey! Maybe *I* can do that! C'mon Blackman!
You're my MAN!! Just look into the camera!
DA ROCK comes out and talks some smack to try to set up a match with the
Big Show later tonight - but the Millennium countdown is on the TitanTron
(about two minutes late ... but who's counting?) - :16, :15, :14, ... 6, 5,
4, 3, 2, 1 ... lights flash and music plays and ... and ... and ...
darkness. Then - An explosion! Oh yes - one word on the TitanTron - and it
is JERICHO. Arms out, back to us. "Welcome to RAW ... is ... JERICHO!" Oh
yeah - it's CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO at the top of the ramp, scowl, sneer,
goofy hairdo and all. They've given him some Connecticut Yankee muzak.
THAT SLUT CHYNA v. TRIPLE H v. UNDERTAKER (with Paul Bearer) in a #1
Contender's match - Ross tries the cement block attack story again for
Austin and Ventura thinks maybe he just had one beer too many and fell down
the stairs himself. I bet THAT made Austin happy to hear!
THIS JUST IN: Joey Marella is still dead
Hardcore & Crash Holly have brawled out onto a WWF semi - they're WACKY!
"Welcome to RAW is JERICHO!" CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO is at the top of the
ramp. "And this is exactly what I was talking about last week. You two
giant slugs have been out here for what, three, four minutes? And already
you've forced these poor people to drift off into their own little worlds,
completely oblivious to what you're saying, and completely oblivious to
you. I mean you two morons couldn't string together two intelligent words
and I was forced to come out here and save this segment! Personification of
evil - ha! I say personification of BOREDOM!"
KANE'S ON FIRE!! Errr, unfortunate choice of words there
The United States Coast Guard presents the Rescue of the Week! From last
week's RAW, GTV presents Mr. Ass receiving a poison ivy rub, which is a
rescue of .... well, the rescue.... see, what's being RESCUED here is...
ah, hell, I have NO idea.
Why are you reading this report?
Man, Jaleel White is one UGLY mofo. How come he keeps gettin' put on TV and stuff?
Let Us Take You Back to the pullapart between Dogg and Jericho, Bossman loading
Pepper in the back seat, and driving off. Oh man, I hope Mathilda and Frankie aren't in there too!
LILIAN GARCIA is your new ring announcer. Fine, she's very attractive. But,
I mean, she ain't exactly Mike McGuirk, naah mean? (Half of you probably
have NO IDEA who I'm talking about - which makes me pretty old...) Also,
poor ol' Tony Chimel never got chyron. Bill Dunn never got chyron. That
other guy whose name I never learned got chyron. Howard Finkel got chyron,
but he was always "THE FINK" in super quotes.
God, it IS a soap opera. I think I liked it better when it wasn't so.... OBVIOUS. You know? Maybe the chicks dig it. I dunno.
Time now for the Rescue of the Week, thanks to the United States Coast Guard! It's Mark Henry rescuing D'Lo Brown - err, no, wait, it's Henry breaking a guitar across his back. Never mind.
Magic: The Gathering presents WWF Unforgiven! As Kenny would say, "Dude - thaff
fuffin guh!"
THE ROCK (with RAW credits and TV-14-DLV ratings box) v. GANGREL (with the
Hardy Boyz and a burning ring o' far) - Rock says some stuff that
entertains everybody but me. You get the feeling that Rock keeps a closet
full of jars of monkey piss in his home in Miami? You know, just in case of
emergency and stuff. Where does he GET all that monkey piss, anyway? And
how come I can figure out he keeps saying "monkey piss" despite USA's
Herculean attempts to blot it from the soundtrack in order to protect my
delicate ears?
KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY interviews TORI in the back. Ivory's got some sort of
humilation fetish, says Tori, so how about a little evening gown match
Thursday - she can relieve her of her clothes AND her title. Then she asks
whatever happened to that Sable chick - she was her biggest fan!!
The Ultimate Warrior's theme music and lighting treatment fire up - and out comes HOWARD FINKEL. Whoops, guess he DID get his own chyron after all.
THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE v. MIDIAN & VISCERA - This match
is originally scheduled for "one round" before Lilian Garcia corrects
herself and says "one fall" - okay, I'm going to say it - WHO'D SHE SLEEP
WITH TO GET THIS GIG? - arrrgh. Speaking of arrrrgh, I challenge the WWF to
pick a character name spelling for Dennis Knight and STICK WITH IT. At
least this week the chyron matches his tights. Ever wonder what a match
sounded like with four colour commentators and nobody on play-by-play?
Well, friends, it ain't pretty.
THE ROCK joins the commentary team. It's official: we are now watching THE
WORLD ENTRANCE FEDERATION. "Who's booking this crap?" says the Rock. "I
love shoot interviews that aren't supposed to be shoot interviews," says
Herb Kunze.
"Who is booking this crap? The Rock against Billy Gunn. The Rock against
Gangrel. I mean, next week the Rock will be laying the smack down on the
Brooklyn Brawler, for Chrissakes."
Replay of the chair shots on Mankind - and the Rock. Pedigree, cover. Triple H poses, then walks back up the ramp. Now, it's his time.
Look! A UPN promo! And one more! The evolution begins now! The WHA..? Out with EVOLUTION, in with REVOLUTION! REH-VOH-LOO-SHUN-REH-VOH-LOO-SHUN-REH-VOH oh well on with it already
IT IS TIME TO LAY THE SMACK DOWN! WWF Smack Down! airing 26.8.99 from the Kemper Arena in Kansas City, MO (but taped 24.8) on the United Paramount Network - dig them crazy ovals, Pookie!
I hear the dulcet tones of ring announcer Tony Chimel and say a silent prayer of thanks.
You're watching WWF SMACK DOWN - UPN THURSDAY! Well, all right - *I* am - and you're living vicariously through me. That's ALMOST as good.
ROAD DOGG v. CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO - Let Us Take You Back to Monday's RAW, where Jericho made Finkel ALWAYS BELIEVE he was a Waryr and act as bait for a punkin' from Jericho. It's he, it's he, it's the Dee-oh-dubba-jee. Crowd says "Suck it" to give Phil Mushnick column fodder. This IS Jericho's televised WWF debut, thank you for asking. How many weeks before they just call him "Y2J," anyway? Ask Paul Wight about that.
Test paces some more. Hey, you know - pacing - it's kinda like WALKING! Stephanie arrives - "This is driving me nuts - you got an answer for me?" Beaming, Stephanie says "Yep!" and merrily skips away.
Bossman says if he doesn't show for the title match, he'll put Pepper in a coldhard place and show him what hard time means. Ummm...I wonder what he means by that.
Bossman has Pepper muzzled and with the baton on the neck. Bossman's my hero! Bossman deposits Pepper with Lawler, and sure enough, he pees on him - off camera, of course.
I don't CARE if Syndra's animated - I wanna DO her!
There's THAT SLUT CHYNA come out to talk about "Shasta McNasty" (premiering this fall, ONLY ON UPN!) with referee "Blind" Earl Hebner so TRIPLE H can ALSO come out and smite Mankind most verily withe yon steele chaire, allowing Shane to cover Mankind - 1, 2, 3. Man, Shane NEVER JOBS. Well, he jobbed to Test Sunday, but I'll just IGNORE THAT because it WRECKS MY POINT. Ha!
MICHAEL KING COLE works tonight! He tries to interview Tori as she WALKS!!! She removes her evening gown (!) and, clad only in a thong, keeps walkin'. Ivory won't humiliate her TONIGHT! She can do that HERSELF! Notice how the ONLY time we see somebody walking in the direction AWAY from the camera is when it's a fairly attractive and topless woman. On the plus side, Cole FINALLY interviewed someone back there without getting his ass handed to him on a platter.
Shawn Michaels - is - WALKING! (and advertising his school) Hey, if Triple H makes sure he never walks again, does that mean less walkin' shots on my WWF television programs? Ha!
First up tonight is LA ROCA - arrrgh arrrgh arrrgh, Lilian Garcia announces
his arrival. That's all I'm going to say about that tonight, I promise.
Of course, Garcia announces Mankind as the winner. Aww, geez, Tony Chimel
is sitting RIGHT THERE BEHIND HER.
Backstage, the Rock throws a mild tantrum. We'll probably hear him talking
about sticking something sideways up somebody's candyass later tonight -
stay tuned
Michael King Cole is backstage with Al Snow. Bossman will be here tonight, but will he have Pepper with him? Snow displays the "Have you seen this dog?" posters he was distributing last night. Say, whose phone number *is* 705 750 5298, anyway? As Snow continues to talk, we hear some sex behind the chain link fence set. Snow casts a confused glance in that direction, but finishes up his (sober) plea to Bossman.
Rock takes time out of his busy schedule to dis Terri in a move that everyone will wish I'd transcribed but they don't write this column. Ha ha ha! Terri certainly has fascinating nipples.
The Rock ... ugh ... gets ... chefy ... with it
Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! Where Chris Jericho Powerbombed Road
Dogg Through A Table - reports are he has a crushed disc and we won't see
him until he's off the marijuana - oh, sorry, that's not true. I just made
that up. DON'T report that as fact or even rumour, it's TOTALLY fake. Road
Dogg is NOT tokin' on a big fat joint right now. I SWEAR
X-PAC (with a refreshing Hansen's Energy Drink) v. TAKA MICHINOKU (with
Funaki) - what kind of bizarro world am I living in where an honest-to-God
MATCH happens on RAW and not on that other program? "Boston - I got two
words for you - SUCK ON IT!" Taka RULES IT on the mic.
MEAT & TERRI RUNNELS walk down the ramp. Rock takes time out of his busy
schedule to dis Terri in a move that everyone will wish I'd transcribed but
they don't write this column. Ha ha ha! Terri certainly has fascinating
nipples. Before Lilian remembers to announce Meat, and give us the
impression we'll get a match here, GTV lights up the TitanTron - and we
learn that those strange sounds we heard earlier behind the chain link
fence were actually Meat & Marianna engaging in some heavy makin' out.
Terri slaps Meat - hey, she hits like a girl. And now CHAZ is out to whoop
on Meat - he's SERIOUS, now, baby! He's not just a kid from Jersey trying
to make it on his own!! And now MARIANNA is out and she and Terri are
having a good ol' catfight - crowd comes ALIVE!
Wow golly! For a mere pittance of $48.99, you can own a jersey that
proclaims your allegiance to THE ROCK! Surely such a prestigious honour is
worth TWICE the money!
Anyway, TORI is out and takes out BOTH Cole and Ivory - Cole ending up in the middle of this fun brawl. MICHAEL COLE IS THE LUCKIEST MAN ALIVE. Anyway, LUNA TUNES is quickly out, and JACQUELINE is also quickly out. Pier Eight - Err, Four - Brawl ensues, but only Ivory gets any clothes removed. Now WHO thought it was a good idea to go to break NOW?!?
Time now for the United States Coast Guard Rescue of the Week! From
SmackDown last Thursday, Shawn Michaels rescued Triple H from a title loss
with Sweet Chin Music. He also rescued HIMSELF from the face pop of
thousands of fans
Cole and Lawler publicly salivate over this upcoming match. We cast a wary eye to the limousine - could that bald-headed SOB be inside? Could Triple H's opponent be inside? If you're a long-time WWF Wheel of Fortune watcher, have you noticed that they never ONCE said the name "Stone Cold Steve Austin?" Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yes, you are.
"During the Break" footage shows Chris Jericho complementing Fink's rugged, manly physique and suggesting a "Y2Jockey" campaign for Howard. Well now they're just TRYING to make Finkel into Ralphus with attire like THAT.
X-PAC (with a can of Hansen's Energy Drink in his shorts - or is he just happy to see you?) v. CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO - Let Us Take You Back to the past few shows and show you Jericho's gentle placement of the Road Dogg on the shelf, followed by the seeds planted for a Shamrock confrontation later tonight. God, please give these guys eight minutes at least. Thank you. Before the match starts, KEN SHAMROCK's music plays (God, do you hate me?) and he storms the ring.
MANKIND v. LA ROCA to determine the #1 Contender - a little early in the show for this match, don't you think? Are the wheels spinning while your brain churns out the world "angle imminent?" Well, let's put that aside for now and see how it plays out.
Your final entrants are EDGE & CHRISTIAN - Pier Four Brawl erupts but the Acolytes will take the upperhand in that kind of contest. Christian and Faarooq end up outside while Edge hits a swinging neckbreaker on Bradshaw and climbs the ropes. Faarooq crotches him, though - and Bradshaw hits - no, countered into a tornado DDT. Whoops, the DUDLEY BOYZ are out - who? Right! Buh Buh Ray is carrying Hacksaw Jim Duggan's 2x4 while D-Von has Ahmed Johnson's 2x4. Long calls for the bell, proving this whole segment rather a waste of time - ha!
LA ROCA y MANKIND v. THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE & HIS LITTLE
BUDDY X-PAC for the WWF tag-team championship - This week's rectal insertion
object of choice is Kane's voicebox (less batteries).
"...finally Mankind has come back to Harvard!" which would be cool if they
weren't in HARTFORD.
In an AWFULLY strange coincidence, both KTEH and the A&E Network screened
Roger Corman's "The Terror" overnight last night. I only mention this because
people Older Than Myself love to talk about Roger Corman to me in email
because I use this gag every week, and only now do I FINALLY have an inkling
of that to which they refer. In other words, I fell asleep trying to watch it
- even if that WAS Jack Nicholson. What was my point again?
EDGE (you think you know him - you only know what he allows you to know) &
CHRISTIAN (has no cool lyrics)
WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW v. BALD VENIS - Show with ... well it's a big
clothesline. Well it's a clubbin' forearm. "Nobody calls me out!" Well it's a
big elbow to the back. Well it's a big open-handed slap.
MEAN STREET POSSE (with Terri) v. PAT PATTERSON & GERRY BRISCO & TEST (with
RAW credits) - Sadly, we DO see Patterson's puppies during the "Real
American" entrance as Pat gives himself not one but TWO titty twisters
AVATAR does indeed come out. Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! as Al Snow
eats his dog. The less said about it, the better... "Shazam!" And he puts the
mask on. "Do not fear, citizens - Avatar is here! I am here to protect the
World Wrestling Federation from evil - from bad doers and giant nuclear
monsters spawned in Japan. So rest your weary heads, citizens, because Avatar
is here!" Then he takes the mask off. "What the hell am I doing? Where the
hell am I at? Oh my God, no! Oh no! What am I wearing the genie pants for?
Oh, Jesus, no, please help me! Oh my God, the last time they made me wear
this outfit, you could have stuffed a magnet up my ass and drug me through
Fort Knox, I STILL wouldn't have drawn money...oh God please no, not again,
this has got to be a bad dream , tell me this is not happening - I am not
Avatar again - I am not Avatar - eheheheh - Oh, God, this is really...I am
really losing it now - ha ha ha ha....uff! wuff! wuff!" Then he runs over to
the commentary table, appropriates a pen and pad, writes something down,
barking the whole time, and runs off. MY GOD! HE THINKS HE'S RICK STEINER!!
When we come back, they're STILL fighting! And they're in a
stall. Apparently, Ivory just got a swirly. Head to the paper towel
dispenser! Tori throws cakes of soap at Ivory - then tampons (Ross: "Hey,
what're those?") They're in the shower - causing Jacqueline, who was
TRYING to shower, to grab a towel and take off. Shampoo to the eyes! Soap
in the mouth! Man, I'm SO hot right now. Weapons tossed, Ivory's head to
a trashcan. Into a door. Hey, it's the men's locker room apparently -
Droz, Prince Albert and (I think) Mark Henry watch with amusement. Well,
now theyr'e out in a hall. Tori in control. Into the side of a semi.
Ummm....I'm pretty distracted right now, I must tell you. Just pretend I
wrote something here instead of staring at whichever practically bare ass
is foisted 'pon my TV screen at the particular moment.
TRIPLE H (with That Slut Chyna) v. KING ASS for the WWF Championship - Crowd
is dropping pins and I can hear 'em.
So, like, this PIANO drops out of the SKY, right? Just this big old freakin' PIANO! And some dude's playing it, you know? There's this dude playing a PIANO and DO YOU KNOW what the BEST thing is about it? NOBODY EVEN *MENTIONS* IT FOR THE REST OF THE GOD DAMN SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When the lights come up, THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE demolishes the New Brood with kicks and chokeslams all around. He's got da mic!! "Triple H...tonight, I will burn the flesh from your body!" Cole: "OH MY GOD. KANE THREATENING TRIPLE H, SAYING HE'S GONNA BURN THE FLESH FROM HIS BODY!" Me: "Umm, I heard it the FIRST time!" Kane's music plays without the DX theme mixed into it, and some flashpots go off.
Those masked wrestlers arriving in the arena look suspiciously like Jericho and Finkel - their Spanish ain't too hot, neither. Jericho's mask says "EL VACA LOCO." The crazy...cow?
HARDCORE & CRASH HOLLY (and their scale) make their way to ringside. Hardcore's STILL looking for a super heavyweight to fight - and he'd like one to come out, now. Everyone's favourite entrance music plays...and THAT SLUT CHYNA makes her way to the ring. See now, she DAMN well ain't three hundred pounds, nor a "googly-eyed monkey."
Shane extends his hand. Test glares at it, checks with Stephanie (whipped, whipped), who gives her puppy dog nod, then presses the flesh with Shane. Awwwwww. Shane and Stephanie hug, and Shane and Linda hug, and Stephanie and Test hug, and Linda and Stephanie hug, and....maybe the chicks dig it.
Jarrett, suitably peeved, takes his gee-tar, spins Moolah around and WAFFLES her with it. Holy shit! MAE YOUNG comes into the ring to help out Moolah, and Jarrett invites HER to "run in, ya old bag!" and Jarrett puts HER in a figure four! Damn...Jarrett putting seventy-something women in holds SHOULDN'T be this entertaining - but it was!
An ambulance backs up to collect...Big Show? Foley? Both? Triple H opens the back of the ambulance - and STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN emerges! He's all over Triple H, who actually falls in the grave at one point (hopefully not stepping on Mankind!) - all around the grave site they go, until Austin bundles him into the ambulance, flips a ..well, the picture got all blurry, so I can't tell WHAT he did (ha!), then the ambulance drives off.
Say, when Gangrel and Luna french, do their tongue studs...oh, never mind
Following the announcement of the DQ win for Luna, Jarrett storms Garcia
demanding she recant and declare HIM the winner - when she refuses (because,
for once, she makes the correct pronouncement), he backs her into the ring -
then locks her in the figure four! WICKED! Of course, this is supposed to
make Jarrett "evil" - but we all wanted Garcia to get hers anyway, so... Ha!
Backstage, Austin - ARRIVES! Hey, what's that grey Hummer doing back there?
Eh, probably just coincidence
Man, Rodney's hair is just - well, that's not a choice *I* would have made...
Hey! DENNIS MILLER is in the front row! And he looks embarrassed to have been
spotted at a WWF event! After all, he's no Ben Stiller!
The sound of breaking glass signals that the personification of sports entertainment, (well, that's what HE said) STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN, makes his way to the ring.
IVORY makes her way to the ring. Looks like she's ditched the scarf, FINALLY, THANK GOD, looks like it's part of the pin she's wearing.
Remember when SUNNY was the most downloaded personality on AOL? Whatever happened to her, anyway? (That was rhetorical. DO NOT MAIL ME WITH AN ANSWER, birdbrain.)
TERRY TAYLOR tries to talk to Jeff Jarrett. Jarrett says dumb blondes come a dime a dozen in Vegas - speaking of dumb blondes, he's challenging Test later tonight. When he's done with him, his bride-to-be won't even recognise him. Hmmm, it's not like Jarrett to wrestle a MAN...
I think Mankind's the only person to not dis Lilian [Garcia] in some way during their interview, in case you cared. You didn't? Fair 'nuff.
Once again we see Triple H and Chyna and the Cops - and once again, far off in the back we see Austin sticking his head out and peeking at them. Those rent-a-cops don't exactly have eyes in the backs of their heads, do they? Maybe they shouldn't all have THEIR BACKS TO HIM. Oh well - you probably didn't even see Austin this time. It's kinda like "Where's Waldo?" level difficulty.
"Chyna - you've got the frying pan in one hand, the soup ladle in the other hand, and your cooking apron on - there's only one thing left to do - and that's get your ass in the kitchen and start fixin' my supper!" How can ANYONE hate this angle? This is pro wrestling - it's SUPPOSED to be tasteless! That's what makes it so funny!
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with De-Bra & Miss Kitty) v. TEST for the Intercontinental championship - Test rushes the ring - he's in such a hurry he slides under the bottom rope instead of reminding us how much like Diesel he can be by straddling the top rope!
You know, now that you've actually SEEN it, maybe you could stop bitching about a non-wrestler holding the championship. Yeah, it wasn't wrestling. But it WAS a pretty good story. And aren't the best matches the ones that tell a story? Besides, it wasn't VINCE putting on that Stunner, it was Austin - and that's the way it SHOULD have been done. Man, I would have bitched if it was Vince using the Stunner.
TRIPLE H is ready for his first of TWO HUNDRED entrances tonight - he is
accompanied by THAT SLUT CHYNA and FOUR BOYS IN BLUE.
The Rock enters the building - the female rent-a-cop says something kind to
the Rock, then says it's her birthday. Rock asks her her name, then
flinches, WANTING to say "it doesn't matter," but holding up, since Louise is
rather an older woman. Since it IS her birthday, Rock serenades her with
"Smackdown Hotel," gives her a hundred bucks, and tells her to buy a bottle
of Maalox, turn it sideways, and...have a happy birthday. Awww, Rock's got a
soft spot!
Ivory asks if he have some fun tonight, and bring somebody in the ring - she
picks a girl in wig and sunglass, so you just *know* it's really LUNA TUNES.
There's a ref in the ring, a bell rings but this apparently ISN'T a match.
Well, there's a clothesline, scoop and a slam, snap suplex, powerbomb, DDT,
that's too many moves, my head is spinning. Steve Lombardi (who I didn't
recognise as he's wearing a clean shirt) counts a pinfall (:32)
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET & DE-BRA (with Miss Kitty) v. TEST & STEPHANIE
McMAHON in a mixed tag -FIGURE FOUR ON DEBRA! FIGURE
FOUR ON DEBRA! Crowd works up a nice "asshole" chant for Jarrett, which can
only mean it's time to move him up to the main event.
STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) v. SHAWN STASIAK-- Blackman goes into
the bag and pulls out - well, it's apparently a vibrator. (How would *I*
know?)
The lights go out, the pyro hits and THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S
KANE - this is the World Entrance Federation!
Hey! We're at a strip club! We must be taped since there's all this
pixelation where that woman's boobies are supposed to be! Hopefully after
this ad break we'll figure out why we're here, and I bet it'll involve Mark
Henry!
Backstage we see a forklift parked against the door labeled "THE McMAHON'S"
-My proofreader's instincts kick in as I wonder what that apostrophe is doing
in there.
TRIPLE H & THAT SLUT CHYNA v. SKIPPY & TEST--Triple H with a right hand.
Stomp, stomp, choke, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right,
right, right, right, right, right. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, TRIPLE H IS A
TECHNICAL MARVEL!
"Earlier Today" footage shows the picketing referees - and the Dudley Boyz punking out Teddy Long in order to send a message to Faarooq. Whoa, pulling THAT kinda continuity outta yer ass sends my head spinning - please, some ads - please!
X-PAC (with a refreshing can of Hansen's Energy Drink) v. SEXUAL CHOCKLIT MIZARK HENRY for the European Championship - I just noticed the big OvalTron is back to the left of the ramp - it just kinda jumps between left and right at will. I may have to start obsessing about this.
THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE v. TRIPLE H (with That Slut Chyna) in an Inferno Match - When Cole says that this match is Kane's "specialty," is he talking about the fact that Kane has LOST EVERY INFERNO MATCH HE'S EVER BEEN IN?
Man, you can't BELIEVE what the Rock said he'd do with the Stanley Cup! It was HILARIOUS! Oh my. I'm still laughing. Right up his....BWAAAAAhahahahahaha. Rock's a COMIC GENIUS. Praise the Great Spirit above, MANKIND is out to put a stop to this nonsense (I hope).
When we come back, Mankind is set to drop an elbow on Triple H from atop the roof of the office - but he's pushed off with a metal pipe and through a table! triple H crawls to the door..and makes it out. (4:57) Replay shows the pole in a spot shadow. Who shoved him off with the pole? Did they raise the briefcase?
British Bulldog, back in a locker room and having found Vince, reminds him
that he told him back in January (January?) that he promised him a title
shot. At his suggestion, Vince puts him into the Undertaker's slot as he
asks. One more thing, says Smith - I'll do YOU a favour by being the
Special Guest Referee in the Brahma Bull match. Vince tells him to knock
himself out - and then, under his breath, says "by freefalling onto the
top turnbuckle head first" - hey, that was TOTALLY unnecessary. "Shasta McNasty" SUCKS! But still, I haven't had to see Jaleel White all night...
Whoa, did I just say what I thought I said up there? Now I'll NEVER work in this town. I am INCREDIBLY offended! And my Q rating just dropped five points! Oops...
REALIZATION: Apparently, I've been spending too much time of late doing silly
things like "transcribing interviews," "taking down play by play," and in
general "reporting show results" as opposed to "getting myself over" and
"dissing other online columnists" and for that, I apologise. I'll try to get
back on the ball as the weeks roll by.
REALIZATION 2: By the way...I may be spiteful, bitter, bizarre, crusty,
annoying and overly expressive at times......BUT YOU ALL CAN'T STOP TALKING
ABOUT ME!!
AND FINALLY: Anybody that gives Unforgiven a "thumbs up" needs to send a
little of whatever they're on my way, I think. Jericho and X-Pac had better
matches in WCW, the main event was good but hardly great, and everything else
was textbook mediocre, save the abysmal,
should-be-universally-selected-as-Worst-Match-of-the-Year, Kennel from Hell
match, which was so bad as to GUARANTEE that the main event could NOT come
CLOSE to saving the card.
The best thing about this Roddy Piper "match" on "Walker: Tejas Ranger" is
that that isn't really slow-motion - that's Piper's REAL wrestling speed
these days.
TREBLE H (along with THAT SLUT CHYNA) makes his way to the ring and this is
no doubt the first of at least 57 times we hear that wonderful theme music
tonight. Will he be over before THIS title reign is over? You know, they
don't boo HIM, they boo that MUSIC
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET, MIDOUBLES KIDOUBLETY and DR. TOM PRITCHARD walk
to the ring.
Steve Austin is WALKING! Whoops, there's Pat Patterson - get out of the shot!
Whew, that was close - you were almost spotted!
The Rock is appreciative to all his fans, but he reminds Mankind that his
birthday is in fact 2 May. Mankind says he knows, but every day he spends
with him FEELS like somebody's birthday...oh, please shoot me.
And now TRIPLE H is out, swinging the sledgehammer, and missing, but FINALLY
helping signal an end to this segment from hell. Everybody scatters. H
sqaushes some balloons and chews gum meancingly. Hey Triple H, come out about
fifteen minutes earlier and you'd be my new favourite wrestler. This segment
DESERVES to lose if there's anything resembling wrestling at ALL on Nitro.
(for history's sake....the This Is Your Life segment did a 8.4 compared to
Nitro's 1.6)
It bears noticing that the cake somehow managed to escape getting pushed into
somebody's mush. I believe that's the first time that has failed to happen in
professional wrestling in approximately 32 years. |